Who I AM ~ Who They Are Monday, November 18, 2002
I gave up on love. I decided that my life wasn’t worth being cared about or taken care of. All I saw was a man that would spend time with me as long as I satisfied him. I didn’t have anything else, so I figured that as long as he was in my life I could find some kind of happiness out of that. I sort of did too. About one time a week I was happy for a couple of hours. He was such a good person down deep inside, so I thought. I can no longer even pretend that he was good. I can’t seem to find one thing about him that was sincere or honest about him. Like a really good friend told me… Let me see if I can quote him.
“Keith just gave you what you wanted sexually. He did it for himself though. It wasn’t ever about you. If it were about you then he would have given you all that you needed. He would have stayed by your side and comforted you after sex. He didn’t do that. He just wanted to dominate you, hit you, sodomize you, and hurt you for his own pleasure. It wasn’t about you and Keith. It was only about Keith.” Demonofset
I understand now. I really thought that Keith was who I was looking for. I thought Keith could love me. I though Keith would always be there for me. One of the first times him and I were together after the 7 months apart, he held me in his arms rocking me telling me that he would never hurt me or let anyone else hurt me. I don’t understand how a person can lie so sincerely. I don’t understand how a person can be so immoral. I know that I couldn’t do that. I have often tried to imagine myself doing something like that. I had a plan to do it to Kumbi. I was going to tell him that I still loved him and be so nice to him and treat him so well in front of his face. Then fuck around on him behind his back. I was going to lie to him. I was going to try to make him feel like he made me feel. Try to make him feel worthless, unloved, and ugly. However, I couldn’t do that. That’s just not the kind of person I am. Now that I know who I am and how the world really is, I can start being the person that I am. I am not mean. I am not out to get anyone back. So I was mistreated and used. So some boys in my life made me feel insignifigant and belittled me. Who cares? At least I know that I am not that kind of person. I am real. I don’t represent anyone but myself. I don’t hide myself behind different names. I don’t look for excuses or easy ways out. Sure, I can’t tell when someone is lying to me. Is that me being nieve? Is that me being foolish? Is that me being unwise, stupid, or uneducated? Hell no. That’s me being trustworthy and believing in people. There’s nothing wrong with that, now is there?
You see, I understand everything so clearly now. Keith and Kumbi wanted me to feel stupid. They wanted me to think that I was stupid by not seeing through their lies. It was all part of what attracted them to me. They feist on the niave and trustworthy. They need trustworthy people or they would get played just as many times as I have been by them. Kumbi thinks it’s a game. When he found out I was cheated on before, he just laughed. It actually gave him pleasure to know that I had been hurt before. Good people don’t have pleasure in other people’s pain. Good people actually feel hurt if they find out someone has been hurt. That’s just what moral people do. Do you see how clear everything is to me now? It’s like a light just turned on.
Here’s another thing I figured out about them. They want to believe that I am just as bad as them. I actually made them feel good when I messed up Kumbi’s relationship. It made them feel like cheating on me was ok. They wanted me to mess up. It made them feel less guilty for what they were doing. Then on top of that, it gave them a reason not to love me. If I wouldn’t have messed up they would perhaps fallen in love with me. That would have been a problem because they would have had to commit. That scares the Hell out of them. That’s why they mess up all their relationships. They can’t be monogamous. However, it’s not their fault. That’s just how they were raised. Kumbi told me his dad cheated on his mom all the time. He also told me that his dad through his mom once. That’s the problem with dating someone from another culture. You are never really sure what their culture is like. You are never really truly sure how they were raised and what to expect in the relationship.
Anyway, it’s getting late and I have an interview tomorrow so I have to go to sleep. I am sure I’ll write more later. Writing is what I enjoy most.
Her
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jl 12/10/2002 11:47:10 PM
dwp 1/8/2003 3:28:25 AM
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