I know that after having children, being together for a certain amount of years, and just life happening things can get dull, but does anyone else feel completely disconnected from their spouse? I am here writing on this site, he’s in his den gaming. He has a PC that he games on and on days where I don’t work (I am gone all day due to long hours) he’s there. I know he’s trying to get some me time in before my next shift, but don’t I get some time? Doesn’t his family together as a unit? Does it constantly have to be one in each room? I am in the kitchen, he’s in the den, my son having just finished some homework is in the living room. I look at other friends and they seem to spend more time together. More than just the 5 minutes that my spouse walks out of the den to refill his drink, ask how we’re doing, and then go back.
This is how bad its gotten: He set a timer during dinner so that he knew when to go back for the next round. I am just here on my days off. I am home and completely written off. He comes to look for me at the end of the day for sex usually. I am beyond that point in my life. I want to be looked at as a whole, not a hole. I want connection, deep conversation, understanding, peace, empathy.
I feel like the only ones that would notice my disappearance are my kids. Because they are still small. But they are slowly growing more independent and again I am finding some minutes to myself. Which is great in the scheme of things, don’t get me wrong, but in those minutes I also want a partner with me, a friend. Someone to talk to. I want to feel alive again.
I am a glorified maid/cook. I clean the house as much as I can. I cook so that everyone can eat. I was laundry and try to put it away when its done. No one helps. The sink is currently full of dishes. I did a load of laundry for my daughter. I decorated the Christmas tree. I bathed the dog. I bought what my son needed for school. I put away his clothes. I changed the sheets on my daughter’s bed. I helped my son with his homework. All in one day. Where is some time for me? Where is a few minutes where I am acknowledged?
I am honestly at that point where I am so starved to be seen as anything but a mom and wife that I’ll take the first thing that shoots my way. I miss me. I miss feeling complete on my own.
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