after midnight in 2014

12:26am

I'm not sure what I'm doing...

I've been up for the last hour, or so, talking to Kyle. I won't lie though. I kinda logged into chat to see if he'd come around. I've been needing someone to talk to and he's tried to reconnect lately. So I was curious to see if he'd strike up a conversation. And he did.

We haven't really talked about anything particularly interesting. Some music. He thinks I'm awesome? He also doesn't think I want to be conservative? I don't know. It's been an interesting discussion. That's the only way I can describe it.

It's been nice. But there's been no mention of his wife... I'm super curious to know what happened. He certainly wouldn't be up after midnight talking to other people if his wife were around? I mean, I wouldn't be, but maybe people do that sort of thing? I haven't gotten the nerve to ask. I'm sure I'll bring it up eventually. But he's kinda acting like the way he did the last time. He'd just broken up with his gf and I think I filled a void. Like he could say what he wanted and know I was too far away for anything to happen. That must have been nice.

Although, I guess, I'm not much different. He's filling a void in my life right now too. It's incredibly nice to have someone to chat with who isn't part of your family. I'm not very good at keeping friends. I seem to do quite well with these long distance friends though. Especially of the 'guy' variety. And no one else is around in this time of need [want?].

So all's fair then. I learned my lesson last time. I know what I can and cannot say and I know how to handle the whole situation. I've definitely grown up a lot in the last three years. These things aren't all weird and awkward for me anymore. And sometimes it's good to have someone around who "wants" you. In whatever form that may take.

Should I go ahead and admit I've been lonely now? Was that not obvious before?

I'm not sure what it is. I feel like I need more people in my life. Not just any old random people, but certain people.

The whole CK thing threw me off balance. Like he's there, and he gives me weird signals, and he's horrible at reading mine, and then he's gone. I've got too much pride to contact him on a daily basis [like I sometimes want to] and he doesn't seem to be interested, or know how, to turn this into an actual friend thing.

That makes me lonely. Having someone there, but never really being there. So close, but so far away.

I want to share things with someone. And it certainly doesn't help that everyone's on a "get Rose hooked up" kick. My aunt, out of nowhere, started bringing up guys to me. Like she has a coworker who's nice, but he's too young. And she knows her hairdresser has a nephew that would be good to introduce me to. Even Marie the first day I met back up with her was telling me that there's a guy at her office she knows would be great for me. He's into brunettes apparently? and he also just got left by his fiance...yeah. I'm totally interested in that one.

Who am I kidding? At this point if that guy on the rebound asked me out on a date, and he was halfway decent, I'd say yes. Because I want to meet, and share, and exchange life stories, and just genuinely get to know someone new. And I want them to get to know me too.

I'm such a better person these days. I want someone to see that. To notice the difference I've made. Or just to notice me, I guess.

It's fine that I'm shy and quiet, but that doesn't mean that I want to be invisible. It would still be nice to be noticed by the opposite sex. No one's even so much as hinted at wanting to ask me out for even a drink since like coffeeguy a bazillion years ago. [Unless you count the guy at the bank? he's old enough to be my father, but maybe he gets like half a point for at least mentioning the movies...]

Whatever. I mean, is it really so wrong to want that? That's like my life's never-ending question. I'll probably be around here in my 40s, or 50s, still wondering the same thing. Still trying to figure out what it is I do, or say, or the sign I carry around that makes people think I don't want to be wanted like every other human being on the planet...

Now I'm beginning to remember why late nights aren't my friend. What is it they say? Nothing good happens after midnight? hah.

rose.
12:55am

Last updated August 18, 2014