Relationships, part one: Mine. in The Big, Blue House, year one.
- Nov. 3, 2022, 1:59 p.m.
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I complain about Don a lot, but he’s not an objectively “bad” partner. He’s really rude to me an average of once a month, immediately followed by him cooking me meals and speaking to me softly for several days. It’s been this way for, well, decades. Depending on how angry I am, sometimes he does household projects for me, or writes me flowery letters. So clearly he cares.
On the other hand, my expectations might be unrealistic. Borderline is on my list of diagnoses, and I do match a lot of the criteria. I put people in neat little boxes. The vast majority go into the “not worth my time” column. (Whether I actually am borderline or just traumatized, and naturally a black-and-white thinker, like most aspies, is another entry.)
Regardless, we are on a constant roller coaster. Everything’s fine, then he snaps at me because of some misunderstanding, usually because he thinks I’m insulting him when I’m not, (yay, autism), then I completely avoid him and debate whether I should leave or kill myself for a day or two or three, then he starts doing me favors until everything’s okay again.
To say that I hate it would be a radical understatement.
In years past, before my parents died, I left several times. He always acted so pitiably that I went back.
Realistically, I think the ideal situation would be for us to live apart and see each other regularly.
He was rude to me the day before yesterday. He ordered dishwashing detergent from Wal-Mart, to be delivered. (As in incurring a tip.) I asked him why he was having it delivered, and he got angry, “What are we gonna use until it gets here?!” I said, “I’m not mad, I thought you’d made a mistake. In that case I’m going to add more to the order to justify the tip.” And I started going down our list of regular stuff, asking him if he wanted anything. He was still mad. “I don’t want anything!”. I said “Well you usually do!”.
So then yesterday he made dinner, and apologized.
And so it goes.
Deleted user ⋅ November 03, 2022
Some people are just naturally grumpy. I know I get that one every blue moon and I'm sorry afterwards cause I know it's just me.
Asenath Waite Deleted user ⋅ November 04, 2022
I know that a lot of it is my autism. I make enemies literally everywhere I go. I don't know how to take people, and as often as not, they don't know how to take me. Even after twenty six years, apparently.
Sleepy-Eyed John ⋅ November 05, 2022
How do you make enemies everywhere you go?
I think a bit of moodiness is normal.
Asenath Waite Sleepy-Eyed John ⋅ November 06, 2022
If I knew the answer to that, I'd stop doing it. From my perspective, about one in ten people reacts to me as if I'm being incredibly rude, or like I've said something hilariously stupid. More rare, but still a regular occurrence, are the women who openly mock and laugh at me in passing, from a distance, like they can tell from fifteen feet away that I'm not normal. Never knowing who it will be or when, I just don't talk to people if I can at all avoid it. I go so far as to water the bushes in the yard after dark, to minimize the likelihood of a neighbor talking to me, since you really want your neighbors to have an at least neutral opinion of you. I'd rather they think I'm mentally ill, than potentially actively dislike me. I don't leave the house at all if I can avoid it, and never without Don.
I'm just beyond sick and tired of being made fun of, and it's the only way that I can avoid it.
Reading about Asperger's, I think I say things that neurotypicals would never say to strangers, or in public. I don't know where the line is. And since I can't see it, I never know when I'm overstepping it.
The women who yell rude things at me from a distance, I don't know what they see that encourages them to do that. I wear stereotypical "goth" clothes, my hair is long and black, my purses are shaped like skulls and coffins. Maybe I look funny? I have no idea.
It blows, I can tell you that.
Sleepy-Eyed John Asenath Waite ⋅ November 06, 2022
I hear ya. I'm tired of being made fun of too, and I avoid people for the same reason.
I dress more 'normally' though.
I think reading some books on social skills might help you figure out where those lines are. I know I've done that, and am planning to do more.
Asenath Waite Sleepy-Eyed John ⋅ November 07, 2022
"I think reading some books on social skills might help you figure out where those lines are." Is there anything in particular you'd recommend?
I worked in retail most of my adult life, so I can "fake" normalcy for a few minutes at a time. Big grin, forced eye contact, chipper small talk. But as soon as conversation progresses past that, it turns into chess game.
Sleepy-Eyed John Asenath Waite ⋅ November 07, 2022
Ya, I get that. Similar. I'm definitely weird deep down.
This is good: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuZFThlOiJI
Also, for books, The Definitive Book of Body Language by the Peases, and two I haven't read: Improve your social skills, and the social skills guidebook, both which are on Amazon. (or whatever book retailer you choose should have or be able to get them)
Sleepy-Eyed John Asenath Waite ⋅ November 07, 2022
Started 'Look me in the eye' by John Elder Robinson. It's pretty good so far, but it makes me wonder about Asperger's with me. Some seems kinda like me, other stuff not so much.
Do you have trouble looking people in the eye?
Asenath Waite Sleepy-Eyed John ⋅ November 07, 2022
"Do you have trouble looking people in the eye?". Yeah. I hate it. I would compare it to the sensation of someone watching you use the bathroom. I do it anyway, because people expect it, but it's taxing.
In the Reddit Asperger's community, it is often said, "If you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person". As in, we're all different. It's called a "spectrum" because there's sort of a buffet table of related difficulties and sensitivities, and everybody has their own selection of issues from that within that collection.
You might watch this talk by Tony Attwood. I sent it to my mother when I was initially diagnosed, to help her better understand me. It's 34 minutes, but he's entertaining, and very informative :
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuZFThlOiJI
So much of what you write here is about social anxiety, and not knowing exactly how to act around people in certain situations. That is autism's primary calling card. Having to intellectually process and decipher social cues, that are just instinctively obvious to everyone else. Over years of practice, trial and error, and imitation, we can become adept. But for neurotypicals, it's innate from the day they're born.
Sleepy-Eyed John Asenath Waite ⋅ November 07, 2022
I've seen the video but I'll watch it again.
Fair otherwise. The last paragraph sounds like me. I started reading a book, 'Look me in the eye,' and it's making me question some things. But mostly I'm like nah, I'm not like that. But the last paragraph does sound like me.
I'm an INTJ though, and I read for "INTJs, deeply introverted types in particular, have no clue what people are thinking and feeling unless they consciously attend to it." But I've also heard INTJs have a mild type of Asperger's as a dominant trait of the type, so who knows?