Let's backtrack six weeks. I was on my way to feeling OK about where I was in terms of grief. Well, maybe I wasn't. I was still on the floor and crying my heart out most nights, but when I was picking my head up off the floor, I was actually feeling good about myself. It helped to have The Bulldog around, and even though we still have never kissed, held hands, or done anything remotely romantic, it was still nice to have his attention.
Not only that, I was rekindling old friendships, working out really hard, and generally doing as well as I could possibly be doing in a yucky situation.
And SP showed up out of the blue, after 9 long weeks of nothing. At first I ignored his texts, but then I agreed to talk. I agreed to see him. At one point, he asked me to elope! He pleaded with me to get married. I was still so weakened by heartbreak and grief that I actually kind of considered it...but of course, acted aloof. I told him I wanted nothing "heavy". I couldn't handle it.
He took me to the airport before my trip to China. He actually helped me pack the day before because I was having a mild panic attack about the trip. He told me he missed me and we communicated the whole time I was traveling - strictly friendly, but it helped. I felt OK. I could do this.
He picked me up from the airport on my return and took me out to dinner. All of this was on a friendly basis, mind you. NOTHING romantic because I had told him to back off, and he did.
He confided in me about his awful, awful son. He had sent his high-school dropout asshole of a disrespectful dick of a son to an expensive military school and during the time that we have been communicating, the kid was out for summer break. I listened to the horror stories and I was there for SP because he'd helped me through my travel ups and downs and I thought that we were becoming close again after all we've shared with each other. I know that I have a calming effect on SP, just as he does with me.
But now. I've gotten to the point where I miss him and pine for him and he's no longer available. Just like that! He's made new friends, going out on dates. He's living it up - his son just flew back to the school and SP is out roaming free and wild with his new running buddy (new neighbor guy) - planning trips on his private jet and wooing women.
Yet, we are still talking and still seeing each other on a friendly basis. Awkward, but friendly. Strangely, I like it...but it's weird.
He looks great. He's doing very well. Meanwhile, I wallow in the ups and downs of this on-again/off-again confusion. But it's not really on-again. It's just floating out there in space, making me really uncomfortable and yet comfortable. See?
This entry is embarrassing. I debated making this private or leaving as a draft or whatever you do here, but I'm throwing it out there because this is me. I need to get this out as honestly as I possibly can. Journaling like this is weird because there are people in my real life who can read this, but I feel like I need to go there. I'm sorry. I guess I'm just dumping this.
Regardless, it's so strange. I feel like it's just not quite over. I never could get mad at the guy, and I still can't and I guess that's what's wrong with me. There is something about him that keeps me clinging to some ray of hope that he'll snap out of it and I'll snap out of it and this will all be some kind of a bad dream.
Why can't I put my foot down? Am I just a weak person? I know I have a lot of self-discipline, so why can't I get a handle on this?
You know, so many people have told me that if I don't make decisions for myself that other people will make them for me. I guess that's what I'm doing here. I think that he and I are so much alike in that neither one of us wants to be "at fault" for screwing this thing up. He says that I broke up with him once and he broke up with me once. We're even?
Who will break this stand-off?
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