Kay, so, I’m going to pretend I’m normal and you pretend you’re normal and I’m going to write about shit nobody cares about and you will leave notes like “You go Girl” “Keep on Keeping on” or “Lmao”. I won’t really go, but I might girl. I don’t even know what stopping from keeping on looks like, and, I’m sure you have plenty of ass left. Oh, oh,oh --- national weather alert for round these parts;
A FLASH FLOOD WATCH MEANS THAT CONDITIONS MAY DEVELOP THAT LEAD TO FLASH FLOODING. FLASH FLOODING IS A VERY DANGEROUS SITUATION.
YOU SHOULD MONITOR LATER FORECASTS AND BE PREPARED TO TAKE ACTION SHOULD FLASH FLOOD WARNINGS BE ISSUED.
Heh. I thought it was funny. A flash flood could lead to flash flooding, or, I assume, in extreme cases, flashing flooding.
So I signed up for this very fancy whiskey club in the UK mostly because their prices were very reasonable on some Scotch that you can’t even get round here for love or money. For a very sophisticated site selling very sophisticated alcohol to a very --- um, a clientele with disposable income for hooch that presumably has an educated palette (on account of there being cheaper and much quicker ways to get drunk than waiting for the UK to send it through the mails) --- shit. Let me start that again. For a site catering to a certain level of sophistication they sure use the phrase Whisky Faeries a lot.
I mean that’s what my shipping notice email said --- I’m not going to --- wait, maybe I will --- this is verbatim, cut and paste the entirety of the shipping notice;
Our Liquor Fairy just took off with your delicious tasting goods: Eagle Rare 10 Year Old + Singleton of Dufftown 15 Year Old + Glen Moray 10 Year Old Chardonnay
When will she land? A Liquor Fairy is never late, nor is she early, she arrives precisely when she means to.
Polish your glasses and get some finger food. It's Flavour Time.
Oh, by the way, getting Kentucky bourbon from the UK was a mistake, and the Chardonnay is not Chardonnay, it’s a single malt aged in a very old chardonnay cask, like a cask that beat on an aristocrats head during the French Revolution.
I apologize, some of y’all might actually be interested in whisky. I was going to start talking about the changes in my ejuice palette, my discovery of real culinary artists in the ejuice underground and how it’s changed my entire outlook. Much like with the whiskey, I can’t order bar whisky at a bar any longer, I mean I can’t tolerate the cheap stuff. Once some people discover, for instance, white peppercorn and asiago salad dressing, they can’t order ‘Ranch’ from a drive through.
My son is one of the few people I know who balances gourmet and gourmand well. Of course he has a very rare enzyme disorder, which sounds cool, unless he’s out of his medication is which case it becomes life threatening. It’s called addisons, you can look it up if you want --- basically you don’t get anything out of the food (e.g. nutrients, calories, etc) so, yeah, you could eat anything you want without gaining weight, just like a skeleton.
Instead of going into the blow by blow of cool ejuices I’ve come across and the interesting path to get to them, I’ll just say I’m off trail in the heart of darkness and I’m pretty sure Marlon Brando’s camp is right around the corner. My ejuice palette isn’t going to stay on the farm now that it’s seen queer paree.
Oh, and although they still have yet to avail themselves of my considerable talents, the “Let’s not kill dogs, shall we?” political action group has certainly been keeping me in the loop. One of my representatives not only had a real person answer the phone, but they had a real answer and it was followed up by a real email (I mean scripted, just saying, there is scripted and there is scripted) and seems to be leaning heavily towards the no-dog-shooting-on-my-watch camp. It’s all a bit more complicated, it shouldn’t be, it should be very simple, but there’s anonymous money that really seems to want to hunt wolves. The issue isn’t even a democratic one, yet, I mean the people haven’t voted on it one way or the other, though one season has come and gone. The anonymous money is trying to undercut a vote and --- it all should be simpler.
Shit, I’m spacey. I forgot all the shit y’all wouldn’t be interested in or to tease y’all about stuff you would be interested in that I won’t tell you, or, of course, the daily morbid stuff that y’all would feel obligated (and rightfully so) to make some sort of sighing and condolences sort of sound or font. Hmmmm, good thing the liquor homosexuals brought me some whisky, I’m sure that’ll get me focused. Give my love to my children and tell your husband I’m just kidding.
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