I am in the habit of discussing abstract things by the quality of their gluts; e.g. it was a weird ass day. If I thought about it I’d be hard pressed to come up with a concrete definition for a weird ass. Asymmetrical perhaps and yet the compelling thing about an ass in motion is asymmetry, the more asymmetry in ones milkshake the more boys come to the yard to be blunt ass about it.
I did have to arrange the opening part of that first sentence in my mind. I wanted to type ‘I am prone …’ and then I thought perhaps I’m supine and then I was a hairs breadth from an emoticon. I don’t know what emoticon says ‘I crack my ass up but am vaguely embarrassed to admit how easily but not embarrassed enough to just not mention it at all, and just proud enough to say it with an emoticon because hallmark doesn’t seem to have an ass cracking up card for the digital age.’
It’s a good thing too because on either side of me being the emoticon demographic is either a plague of frogs or the atonement of sin depending which direction of revelations you’re traveling from (West to East for the KJV but it’s translated from East to West). Yes, I know, you’ve been meaning to get around to that book, figured you’d wait until your emoticon was supine on a death bed like everyone else. Trust me, I’ve a biblical ass, right before ‘And frogs shall drop from the sky’ and right after ‘Get your business right, sinner’ it says ‘And Haredawg shall use and emoticon, the emoticon of the beast, and ye shall know it by the ass it has cracked up’.
Not to be sacrilegious or anything, and I sure didn’t intend to type a spoiler, but, after all, I’m not the non-revelations-ass-reading-motherfucker-up-in-here.
Weird ass day. I picked the grandwhelp from school; he started middle school this year, it was my first time there, and though it wasn’t complicated taking directions from my daughter’s sms --- I love her. She’s inherited her father’s sense of direction which is sort of ‘I’m sure wherever we are is where we were going’.
“That’s a bold fashion statement Kai.”
“Pink is the new gray grandpapa”
“New phone?” “Yeah. Oh poop. I popped out the Sim card.”
“What’dja do that for?”
“I meant too.”
“Uh huh.”
“I don’t know. Let’s see if it works.”
I’m adding more of a plot and making all the non sequitors a tad more cohesive ass than they were. I dropped him off and went to Popeye’s. Although prone, supine, lying and laying regarding the drawing of cheeks on abstract concepts like time, I am loathe to state, union or federation chicken ass (though were I laying a chicken ass would surely be the proper tool for the job). I did, however, pick up a buttload which does lean in an assward direction. Or as sailors with a lisp might say, aftward. Ward is a weird ass suffix.
Honestly, I don’t know how you people can even use the English language without a redacted road map and a red pencil. Yes, whatever you think I meant by ‘you people’ that’s exactly what I meant. Probably.
“So conjunctivitis is now gray eye?”
“You have to kill 200 aliens on the hard level.”
“What game?”
“Chickens.”
“There are aliens in chickens?”
“No.”
“Oh. No wonder it’s so hard.”
“Take a left at the video store, it’s a short cut.”
“To where?”
“I don’t know, my Sim card is out.”
“How was school?”
“What?”
Yeah, I figure if I supine around the house watching TV ass the rest of the day tomorrow should be relatively normal or normatively relative. Oh, I would so give my left ass for a normative relative.
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