No better really in Juggling with Hedgehogs

I suppose the fact I'm still here is some kind of victory, but it doesn't feel that way to me. My closest family and friends are suffering from compassion fatigue. The people I need the most are backing away and basically 'blocking' my neediness. It must be exhausting for them, having to constantly deal with my emotions, but it's way more exhausting for me. I've spent days and days just locked in my bedroom, trying to sleep, taking sleeping tablets, sleeping, lying awake, thinking, surfing the internet for answers and generally drowning in misery. Some days, I'm not so bad and I go out and behave like a normal person, but all the time I feel like I'm on the outside looking in at all the 'real' people living their 'real' lives. I feel like I've already died and I'm a ghost, just observing.

I've been dating. Not to find a new romance - never again - but just to feel like an attractive person again, someone that another man might find interesting. I haven't had any disasters, in fact, so far they've all been very nice, and the one I met yesterday happens to work for the same company as me. I have a feeling we'll end up being really good friends in time.

But this morning I woke up from a dream in which my husband was cuddling me. I could feel his skin, his warmth, the strength in his arms, the hairs on his chest, that I like to bury my face in, and when I realised it was a dream and I was waking up, the grief was overwhelming. I've been in a terrible state all day just because of that stupid dream.

Despite what he's done to me, despite the fact this isn't fixable, and I really have to start moving on, and being strong and creating a new life, dreams like that just make me ache so much. I miss what we had, I miss that physical closeness, the cuddles, the kisses, the warmth, the LOVE that just used to ooze out of him. He adored me. I want to know where that went. I just don't understand any of this. I feel like I'm broken into a million pieces and nothing anyone says or does can make it better. I thought I was heartbroken when my first marriage ended, but that was nothing compared to this.