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- May 17, 2014, 2:32 a.m.
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- Public
It's almost 2.30 in the morning and I still can't sleep, despite being very tired. As usual.
I miss being admired. I used to have many people chasing me. I was wanted. I guess. I don't know. I'm not even that pretty, so I guess I had some sort of charm going for me. Now my world is so quiet and boring. And lonely. And I just sort of drift around being a robot.
I am always so bored. Why am I so bored? This is what I've always wanted. I am supposed to be content. But I never am. I don't want to be in the house all the time. I don't want to clean all the time. I hate cleaning. I hate washing. Dishes make me sick.
We do things as a family sometimes. It's nice. I like doing things like that. But I want to do grown-up things. I think I've been so shut-in for my entire young adult life and now I see it quickly slipping away and I regret so much of it. I wish I could go back. I wish I could just stop. I'd change so much.
I don't think Jacob is happy to be with me. I feel like I hardly know him anymore. I bring him down. We fight a lot. I feel like half the things I say make him angry and I don't mean to.
He asked me why I can't be a "normal" mom. That I'm always complaining and I get frustrated a lot. I don't know what to say. I want to be a normal mom so badly. I feel like my kids deserve better than me. They are so precious and I love them with an intensity that overwhelms me and I never thought it was possible to love anyone so much. But love isn't always enough.
I don't know how to be better. We have time alone together sometimes. It doesn't seem to do anything. It feels like we are complacent with each other. I don't think he resents me, we're just kind of "there." When we met, I had never felt so in love with someone. We are very close, very quicky. Best friends. When he touched me, it felt like electricity. That feels like it was another lifetime ago. I know that being in the honeymoon stage only lasts so long, and it's normal for those feelings to subside and then that is replaced with a deeper love for some people. I know I love him very much and I don't want to be with anyone else, but it feels like we aren't happy right now. I miss him. I miss just laying in bed watching Netflix and just being together. I don't know how to get that back.
I've never thought I deserved Jacob and I still don't. He is so caring and intelligent, and I am more self-centered and I hate that about myself. I am not sure how to make our relationship better. I don't feel close with him. I don't remember the last time we had sex. I don't even want sex. I wanted to all week, but it's pointless and I don't feel sexy. It is much more convenient to not have a sex drive, so I don't mind it. I feel like it is more for him. But he hasn't seemed to want it anyway.
I wish I had real friends. A social life sounds like it would be a nice thing to have.
I have been very neauseated lately. I guess that is normal, I remember it happening with my first pregnancy in my third trimester. It still is not pleasant, however.
Starhawk ⋅ May 17, 2014
I feel the same in a lot of ways. Let's go clubbin. Er. Once you can drink again.
martian princess Starhawk ⋅ May 17, 2014
Okay! I've never been to a club. I am also not a good dancer but I would definitely dance after having a couple of drinks! lol
NeonLady ⋅ May 17, 2014
Think counseling would help? For one or both of you? A lot of what you're feeling is normal, I think. But it would still help to talk to an outsider about it all, and definitely try to get back on track before it's too late.
martian princess NeonLady ⋅ May 17, 2014
You are right. I asked him if we could get counseling but he said he wanted to wait until after my pregnancy... I guess I will be going alone. :/ I think he thinks this is because of my hormones. I don't think so though.
Small Town Girl ⋅ May 17, 2014
I dont have many friends either. Where do you live?
I guess communication s the key. You guys just need to talk things out. Try to be open about your feelings. Having kids always puts a strain on a couples relationship from what I hear from people. You just dont have that time to spend one on one anymore.
martian princess Small Town Girl ⋅ May 17, 2014
I live in Kansas.
It definitely does. we got pregnant very quickly ininto our relationship (8 months) so we didn't get a lot of time to establish things and whatnot. We didn't have a super awesome relationship and we fought a lot when I was pregnant the first time around (this is our second child) but we usually work everything out just fine. I think we are both kind of spent emotionally. he has a high stress job sometimes (he is a teacher) and he usually doesn't get enough sleep and I have a very high needs toddler so that makes me exhausted. bleh.
Kpred2004 ⋅ May 17, 2014
I can definitely understand where you are coming from. I feel like I used to be so much more fun when I was single and traveling all around the world. I had a handful of friends that I don't even keep in contact with. My husband is always working and I get so tired of the constant maintence of the house. I feel like I am just on repeat--laundry, dishes, pick up toys.
What would be the chance of working part time outside of the home? I am the type of person who needs some form of validation outside of the home. Also, maybe try just going above and beyond with your hubby in the little things. Sometimes it's so easy to get in a rut when you are working opposite shifts. I just try to tell my hubby how much I appreciate him, try holding his hands or rubbing his arm? You don't always have to have sex to create intimacy.
Good luck!
martian princess Kpred2004 ⋅ May 17, 2014
I am a stay-at-home mom right now and full time student. I wanted to work part-time this summer, but I'm seven months pregnant and I'm 99% sure no one will hire me. :( I still want to look though. I need that outside of the home too.
*Tagonist ⋅ May 18, 2014
This seems like something you've been struggling with a lot since Cannon was born, and I read some of your very old OD entries before it was shut down, and I think some of this was present (in different forms, of course) even before then. You and Jacob were sprung into a fairly difficult situation when you got pregnant with Cannon, and I think it might be time to consider counseling. Motherhood isn't easy, and relationships aren't easy, and I think it's important for you to be able to sort through some of these feelings and find solutions. There's nothing wrong with seeking help.
martian princess *Tagonist ⋅ May 18, 2014
You're right. I've always had various things I've struggled with and for some reason I thought settling down and having kids would magically make it all go away, or at least get better. But it hasn't. I'm still up all night from anxiety, I'm still depressed half the time, I'm still frustrated with so many things. I never got help because I just thought the problem would go away on its own, but of course, that was delusional of me. I need help. I do. I can only put band-aids over it for so long. I'm just lazy, which is also part of the issue. I need to quit being so lazy and actually do things about it.
Kpred2004 ⋅ May 18, 2014
I also read you before from OD after you had your son though, I wish you the best of luck. I forgot you were going to school full time, I was kinda more or less suggesting after you had the baby and were comfortable with possibly working to find something part time. Relationships are definitely hard and counseling might be your best option. Kristen
martian princess Kpred2004 ⋅ May 18, 2014
I might consider doing part-time work after Lorelei is born, I think I do need it. She will be breastfed though, and with Cannon, it was super difficult to get him to take a bottle. I think he only took a bottle once in all of the 17 months he breastfed. I cannot believe I did it for that long! Hopefully Lorelei will take a bottle and I can actually go to school in the evenings and maybe get part-time work. I really do need to be out of the house more than I am.
Deleted user ⋅ May 19, 2014
"Normal mom"? Ouch. Things are rough the toddler years and you have it extra hard because you're pregnant right now. Things get ALOT more fun and ALOT easier as kids get a little older. Next time Jacob asks you something like that, ask him why he can't be more supportive. Parenthood has no normal. You do your best each day, and call it. That is all you can do, and it is all that should be expected.
Fawkes Gal ⋅ May 19, 2014
Normal mom? What does he think is a normal mom? Just chiming in with everyone that some counseling would probably be good for you guys. Why does Jacob want to wait until after the baby is born? That seems strange to me.
I'm sorry you're going through all this. Life can be really tough and it's certainly not easy to juggle life's difficulties along with little ones. hugs