oh my in Random thoughts

I'm having a panic attack right now. I'm sick to my stomach as we speak. I'm so stressed right now that I'm shaking. I feel like I've completely lost control over my life. I feel helpless. We are so broke. I don't know what to do. I need a solution. We are out in Saline while my life is still moving in Rochester. I don't know how to stop it. I'm really shaken up. Joe finally gets a day off from work, but still has school. That's been the story of our lives. We are so broke, I don't know what to do about it. I owe the secretary of state for our registrations, I don't know how I'm going to pay it. I picked the stupidest time in the world to go out and buy new clothes. I am so stupid for going out and buying that stuff. I should not have done that. How are we going to pay for that grill? I went and bought clothes and now there's no money to pay for the grill. I'm still shaking. I can hardly keep still enough to type this out. My cats have been alone for more than a week now. I think that I need to go get my cats. But then that's soooooo much driving for Joey (and them for that matter) and I have to be back out there on Friday so that I can see the doctor about my lack of energy and wheezing and stress and mood. It's Sunday and I need my church and I'm 50 miles away. I don't want to go to the store to return my dress because I hate taking Joey to the store so much. That and I don't know anything about the city of Westland. And that's the only store around where we are staying. Too much is going on right now. I can't keep my head straight. Something happened with my sister and cousin, and mom and I want to know what happened so bad. I'm so worried about her. They are coming after her and attacking her like voultures. It's like they don't even care about her kids. Why treat someone like that if you swear that you love them? That's it right. She doesn't love Lisa. I don't think that she loves me either. How can one not love their own child????? I don't understand. I don't get it. I can't even picture treating Joey this way. These women have kids by people that they hate and then hate the child as a result. Even if I hated Joe (which seems impossible at this point) I could never hate Joey. I thought that as a mother and grandmother, people become shall we say humbled. Not bitter. But it seems the opposite has happened here. I feel helpless as I do not as I said know what happened or what is going on. I don't even think that my mom has tried to get a hold of me lately. I like being in Saline for the fact that I'm so far away from her, but I hate being so far from my sisters. I don't like that I can't just stop by and check up on them. I love them so much. I don't want either one of them hurting. I'm so incredibly pissed off at my mother and Joe's mother. And why? Because they don't want what I want them to want? Well, if they don't want to be mothers and grandmothers, then why won't they just leave us all alone? Why do they have to keep attacking? I want them out of my life. I can't keep this up. The I'm there, oh wait, no I'm not, oh wait, yes I am, but I'm not. I can't stop shaking. I need to get a grip. I need to calm down now. I'm alone right now. I feel lonely. I feel helpless.