So my life has always been chaotic. I cant tell if its just my life, or if I make my life chaotic. It’s hard to tell between the lines of anything anymore. I don’t really know where to start, I just know that I need to get these feelings out. I am going to burst. I feel like screaming at all times.
My life is one big mess right now. I am in the middle of a Divorce, and trying to find my way. My husband doesn’t make things easier. I told him today that I haven’t wanted to be with him, and he just goes “well is sex off the table?” Like yes, it’s off the table. No I don’t want to give you any more than I have already given you.
I gave him everything in an attempt to just get him to love me. I couldn’t do it anymore, the lies, the betrayal, the lack of loyalty got to be too much for me.
He likes to put out that he took care of me, he worked every single day while I stayed home and took care of our child. I obviously did nothing to help the family financially. The cooked meals at the end of the day wasn’t enough, the fact that I ignored everyone wasn’t enough, I isolated myself because he didn’t trust me to be around people.
I am just a “whore who fucks everything that moves” in his eyes, and I will never be enough for him. So why should I try, why should I give him any more than I already have? After he spent the better part of a year lying to me about women online. Why should I try to trust him?
You could say that I should just suck it up for the sake of my son having a family that’s together. To get better than what I got. But there’s a lot of fucked up other things in my childhood that made me the way that I am today.
I don’t know what to do at this point, I feel so wrong. I look at my baby at night while hes sleeping crying, wondering… Am I doing the right thing? Should he really have to suffer because mommy isn’t strong enough to stick it out a little longer?
I hate my husband, and that might not be fair for him, its certainly not fair for me… all this wasted energy hating him, resenting him for making me the person that I am today…
I’ve lost 30 pounds going through this divorce… I don’t eat when I am stressed and this is by far the most stressful thing I have ever gone through. I’ve always been scared of getting fat too. And it’s like the moment I get stressed out, the calorie count is screaming at me.
I don’t know, everything is chaotic. My brain, my life.... everything. I just need to slow things down....
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