Personal Entry in Scribe

I have been alone for about 10 years now. I am depressed and lonely. I don't know how to relate to people these days. I guess for the sake of this entry I could label myself an introvert. I don't drink, do drugs, chase girls or follow sports. I am not a fan of big crowds. So going to bars or other social events is just not for me. As far as girls go, I would like to meet someone who would accept me for me and just understand me. But the truth being told, I am shy on top of it all so its hard for me to just talk to people. I have a kind heart and I am a bit old fashioned. It seems that showing respect is taken as flirting and kindness is mistaken for being up to something. All this time I have been holding on to hope that maybe one day I would find someone. Honestly I would be happy to just cuddle up to a movie with someone. Just to have some form of affection. Even if its brief. Another thing that is holding me back is I have lived a violent life and it has left me scared and deformed. Not in an extreme way, but enough to make me self conscience about my appearance. Even just going to the store can be stressful. I wonder what other people are thinking of me. My life is really just a mess. But I put up a front and act like everything is alright when its not. I think it might be time to let go of the idea of meeting someone who would actually like me and just accept that I am just going to be alone. At least when it comes to intimacy and affection of any kind. Maybe I could pay for it? Not sex. Just some cuddle time? I have given it some thought but most likely I would have no luck there either. I know that makes me sound desperate, but I am. That's just me being honest. I wish I could just get used to this feeling so it wouldn't hurt so much being alone.