#TMIFiles: Chemo Brain is REAL in These Foolish Things

Hahah…leave it to my chemo brain to miscount even the simplest of things. In my countdown to the last chemo I actually got the days wrong!

Regardless, last FOLFOX chemotherapy for this GD CRC begins tomorrow! Like all my acronyms? I’m partly excited and partly dreading it like all of the other rounds I’ve had. There’s no way around the fact that chemo sucks and I’m going to get sick like I have all of the 11 rounds before, but it’s just so nice to know that this is the end of this treatment.

And then the next part will come, but I’m still not quite ready to delve into that. I’m just ready to let out a breath. I haven’t exhaled since February 4th - the day my surgeon uttered the word “cancer”. I’m nervous about what comes next, but I also know that if my body can handle this it can handle anything.

And you better believe I’m going to celebrate. I’m going to ring that bell tomorrow!

I have a friend from high school who is now an oncologist and he told me in a DM that he hates “that fucking bell” because it’s not really the end of treatment for cancer patients. But I told him that I haven’t had much to celebrate in the last few years and I’m going to celebrate every milestone that I can from here on out.

My mom and dad are coming. They are going to stay with me tonight and tomorrow night and I’m really looking forward to that. My first houseguests! They are going to get to my place before I get there. I told them how to get the concierge to let them up and I gave them the code to my lock. I left them a note telling them to make themselves at home.

Tonight I will have a celebratory cake (for me!) delivered along with a box of chocolate covered strawberries and macarons to take to the oncology nurses and other staff. All of this excitement feels like a birthday. And maybe it IS a birthday of sorts…or more like a…I don’t know? I was going to compare it to a wedding or something, but it’s not like that. OH. Like a graduation, I guess!! I’m graduating from this bullshit. Yeah, that sounds right.

Anyway, things are super busy at the office, as usual, and I get upset at myself for stressing over things that I just need to be patient and work through. I’m still not working at 100%, but my priorities shift every single day due to these supplier issues. I got an email yesterday basically calling me complacent and it HURT like hell. I realize that I’m not at the top of my game, but complacent I am NOT. I have lost sleep over that.

Honestly, being able to be at the office every day (except for infusion days) has made it seem like I’m able to do everything, but my body and my chemo brain won’t quite let me. I look perfectly healthy, but I’m just not quite right. I need for some changes to happen, and I hope that once we get this chemo out of my system I’ll be feeling more able and I’ll be more on top of my game.

Speaking of which, gotta get back to work!
GS