When Things Get a Little More Real in These Foolish Things

Yesterday I went in for Chemo Infusion #5. I did my pre-chemo morning routine - the regular workout at home, pack my ice bag (for the icing protocol during one of the chemo meds), take Martini to daycare, go to fancy grocery store for a decaf coffee and a breakfast taco, drive to infusion center, deep breathing, make and post videos on social, take a short walk and then inside.

Did bloodwork, wait for doc visit (or in this case, the Nurse Practitioner), then on to infusion.

The difference between all the other times and this time is that they held off on the oxaliplatin (which is the BIGGIE, and also the one that is killing my platelets) this time. This is the one where I do the icing protocol and so I felt like I was completely thrown off. I was also very concerned that maybe I won’t get enough of the “juice” and my cancer will come back.

I know that practically every single cancer patient going through chemo has to have some kind of adjustment, and I hope that this is a minor speedbump in my therapy.

Today I feel kinda blah. I still have Foxy attached (the 46-hour infusion), so I’ll need to go back to the infusion center to get her unhooked tomorrow and then I’ll have my 10-day rest and recovery.

I sure hope my platelets decide to come back with a vengeance. I’m eating all the leafy greens that I can and I read that papaya is GREAT for making platelets, so I bought one this morning on the way to work and I will take home and cut up tonight for dinner. That may be all of my dinner!

OH! And I just got a text from NORT (remember him? He was going to “woo” me…and nada) telling me that he’d read in studies that cannabis can help grow platelets, so I guess it’s going to be weed and papaya for dinner tonight! hahah.

But seriously, I think I may try the weed tonight.

Speaking of weed, a fellow PBer brought me some over the weekend! Don’t ever tell me that writing somewhat anonymously in a public journal won’t get you anywhere. It’s actually gotten me some of my bestest friends…as well as WEED! Haha. Love you much. You know who you are.

So, other than that blood platelet bummer, which I’m trying to turn into lemonade somehow, I am feeling good! A little tired, but zero nausea thanks to the antipsychotic which I take the first three days of infusion.

I saw my buddy, Sam at infusion. He’s a sweet ol’ guy, but I made the mistake of giving him my phone number a few weeks ago! He’s now calling me on the reg. Many times I am in the middle of something and can’t pick up the phone, but I decided to call him back on Tuesday evening - the night before we both had infusion. He started out sweet enough, but then moved on to some evangelical bullshit that kind of chapped my hide a little. He even added on a little political mumbo jumbo that I nearly made comments about, but let it go in silence so he could read between my silent lines. He’s a smart ol’ guy and I think he could see that I didn’t really want to hear his proselytization. He smoothed things over as he could tell I wanted to get off the phone.

Saw him at infusion and he sat in my section, though not close enough to talk (thank goodness). I liked him better when I considered him one of my angels (heh). Sometimes our minds let us think things that are not quite reality as a coping mechanism. Sam was meant to be my fantasy of a glorious guardian angel watching over me during my chemo infusions. Sam is actually a sweet human trying to get through this life the same as me, and I can treat him as such - with kindness and dignity. He’s a good man doing his best. I’m a good woman doing mine. That’s what we are.

I just don’t need the guy calling me all the time. hahah!

Anyway. That’s where I am right now. I’m nearing the halfway point of my treatment and it feels very real now. I’m no longer in the surreal mode where it felt like I was living the craziest dream in the world. Now I’m living in reality - the reality that this is a sucky thing to have to go through, but it is also something that will keep me alive. I will go through ups and downs, yet I will get through this. I will meet folks along the way and they might not match my expectations, but I can still feel grateful we met. And I will continue to be in awe of some of the most amazing people who want to help in any way they can.

That’s how I can say I will be forever grateful for this experience…as shitty as it is, it has opened my eyes to many things and many people and the preciousness of it all. It is forcing me to be flexible and know that things are gonna change…I’m going to be thrown curve balls throughout this experience. I need to know how to bob and weave and flex and bend and move gracefully (and okay, clumsily too) through this whole thing.

THIS IS LIFE. It’s growth and fear and love and pain and confusion and beauty and horrific ugliness, all wrapped up into ME. I’ve never lived like this before. It is so amazingly real.

GS

Last updated May 20, 2021