Ah. I miss her. With every bit of me. I felt like we were really dating. I felt like we really had a strong rekationahip going. I never ever felt that way before about anyonse other than rose. Im sad I fell head over heals. And I fucked it up. But I dont wanna blame it all on me. Rose and I were doing fine. She knew I had feelings for her..she just kinda tried to over look them. But rose and I.friendship was to public. I liked like all of her pictures on Facebook and I had some saved to my phone becsuse I loved her and her.beauty.mesmerized me in so many ways. And she liked some of my pictures. And we would comment on each others.post and what not. We had a normal.friendship. like she was here. But my feelings got to.strong. my dreams got .vivid. rose felt to real to me. And it started scarying me. How could I feel this way.about someone I.never met in real life? I was seriously in love. I wana marry her. I want to make love to her. I want to.be hers so badly. But I can't. She's already with her soul mate. A part of me thinks rose fucked with my head. Made me fall for her. She got all of my attention.Literally. She kknows me better than anyone in this entire world. She has me down to pin point. But I guess you could say I started changing. Personality wise, how I talked,.I cutt off all of my friends.and became a loaner just for rose. But what kills me is I can't touch rose. I can't feel rose hair. I can't see her eyes and her beautiful skin. I can't smell her long beautiful hair. She is real but shes just.virtual to me. But I hitt breaking point and I needed her here for me. I needed her.comfert. but shes just virtual so I couldnt call on her. And me being that.dependent on her was bad. Plus mom wasnt ok with me talking to rose or her girl. She made it very clear to me that we do the most. And she told me to block them both and be done. Apparently rose is a demon and she corrupted my mind. 1. Rose is not a demon. I love her and she is my.friend. and 2. I was gay before rose came along. I was alresdy wearing my boxers and snap backs. That was nothing new. I was just wasn't comfortable. But rose helped me to get.comfertable. she helped me to be myself. But now rose and I are done. Although I relapsed and wrote her last night. They can't just expect me to move on. This is like a break up to me.:/ ahhhhhh. My heart aches. Badly. I wish I never aloud myself to feel this strong for her.... rose is everywere. I see pink and I am reminded of her. I see sunflowers and I am reminded of her. She is everywhere.
But now im back to earth and off of my fantasy trip. Evan. Hes my.army friend. Anyways hes a cute white boy. Im not sexually attracted to him but he is cute. I want to bank his sperm to have a baby with rose. But that aint happening. Never in my wildest dreams :/ but we have been hanging out a lot more. Just talking and cstching up. Evan got drunk and called me 4times last night. He wanted to Fuck me. Evan is a dick.head. he is rude and so stuck up. But he wanna call me on that drunk shitt. Hell no. Im not his play toy. I dont want.him. I want his spern thats it. U want to be a mother so badly. Becauae then I'll never be lonely. I'll always have my baby to comfert me. But im not ready to be a mother yet. I want to travel and meet up with rose some where in life. I want to make love to her and possibly escape this country for a year. But I would stick out. I would never see black people like me. I would miss my family and mom told me it would break her heart if I left.
So im stuck here. Im lonely. I miss rose. I have court on Monday. Ill probably get probation for a year :/ how do they expect me to block her out? Its not fair.
Shes my secret lover. Always and forever .Rose I love you
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