Another Prompt For Something... Different in Eye of a Hurricane

And now we’re going for something entirely different, something deviating far from the career path that was the last entry in this book. We’re getting personal with sexuality.
My therapist recommended that I look further into what my views and feelings are about sexuality as lately I’ve been doubting and doubling back on my own thoughts and feelings around sex itself.
This should get interesting.

How did you learn about sexuality?
My earliest memories that something was… different when I was about 6 years old. I think I remember watching nature documentaries and being clued in about sex then. I saw what the animals did. My parents never gave me any sort of talk. I don’t even remember them saying anything about it before I was 12. I only remember my mother talking shit about other women and girls who “slept around” and how I better not do that. While I was still identifying as female, I remember that message being very clear: people will respect you less if you are confidently sexual with who you want to be sexual with. Like, your inherent value goes down if you’ve had sex before you’re married, was the message I got. My mother was all about the gossip back in the day, and every time she heard someone doing something like that, she would have a hay day with it. I was never told directly what sex was; that was the school’s job. But I had learned throughout my friends what sex was and how it was done. So that way when it was “Sexual Health Day” in science class in 4th or 5th grade, I kind of already knew what to expect.
The collective attitudes that surrounded sex were exactly what one would expect of a conservative Christian family. Don’t do it, or you will get pregnant, and you will die. They didn’t say it in so many words, but my mother was the one to be sure to instill those values of “chastity” in me and preserve my purity.
God, I think about these things in purely feminine terms despite my own present. It’s strange to me that there was a time prior to where I… was?… feminine? But the thing that I constantly come back to is that was it because it was imposed on me and I felt I had to be a “good girl” and suppress any urge to be a boy? Or did something just… click over the years that made me want to be different? I keep trying to put my own trans story together, but it seems that is going to have to be for a different time.
I will admit that I also learned a lot from television about what sex was. I would watch the more adult shows sometimes, and my parents never thought I would get it and that it would go right over my head. In retrospect, some of it did, but there were some things that didn’t. I may have been a little more naive and more… immature at times but I could put two and two together quite often. I started noticing things when I was around 7 but then I think I started to understand more when I was 9. Then as the years progressed it only became more until everything was verified in science class when I was 11.
I saw in many of the shows growing up how sex royally destroyed most of the teenage relationships and romances on TV. It was like once the girl/woman had sex with a male partner (Hetero was the only thing on TV when growing up), she was thrown away and discarded. Not wanting to follow that same fate, one could say that maybe I wanted to keep sex as far away from me as I could while still wanting to be physically intimate with someone (not exactly sex). These were warring ideas in my head as I wanted one thing, but I noticed that another thing happened.
I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 23. I had avoided it for so long and the only reason I did it was because my boyfriend at the time wouldn’t stop hounding me about it and I was intoxicated. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have driven over to his place at the time and just got it over with. I was blamed for teasing him, for baiting him, and it’s my fault that I put myself in the position when I didn’t want to have sex. But because I was intoxicated and didn’t stop him, it’s my fault that it happened the way that it did. Society discarded me like they did with all the females growing up that I watched. No one on the internet supported me. No one heard my story. No one really cared enough to hear that this is not what I wanted. This is not what I had in mind. And I didn’t want to tell my friends at the time for fear of the same thing: the disregarding, the disbelief.... I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. The “oh you really did want it. Quit acting like you didn’t.” I regret that it happened the way that it did. That he took it without really asking me. I would have remembered if he said that he wanted sex despite my still being a virgin at that time.
God I hate being in this body.