A few weeks ago we traveled across the country to visit my elderly grandmother who had just moved into a nursing home. Over the years, I've had various degrees of resentment about this grandparent - we are a lot alike but when I came out as gay, she more or less stopped visiting me or calling me and for several years, I only heard from her when she forwarded bigoted emails to all her email contacts. I'd write back, tell her how it made me feel and she stopped sending that sort of stuff (to me, maybe to everyone, I dunno). Last fall, she called, wondering if I'd come visit her. She actually wanted me to bring my own mother to visit her, and I said I would, but asked if I could bring my wife. She said I could, although she included the obligatory "I don't understand your lifestyle". Anyway, when my mom said her heart was failing and the doc wasn't giving her long to live (though she may live a long time anyway, tho she IS already 97).
Anyway, we went up there and as we got close to being there (less than an hour) I started feeling super nervous. I hadn't seen my grandma in several years and her son (my uncle) who was always an asshole was going to be there and I just felt nervous C asked if I was nervous and I admitted I was....
and she freaked out! She said she had thought I was fine with the visit and all would be well and she was going to follow my lead and now that she knows I'm nervous, she was even more nervous and wished I'd told her of any concerns I had before she made the trip, etc. etc.
I just sat helplessly in the passenger seat of our rental, wishing I'd somehow either not felt nervous or not shown it, or even that I'd just said things were fine instead of sharing my feelings.
(that said, the visit went really well, even with the now mellowed out uncle)...
fast forward to last week - on Friday, I got off work early (scheduled quitting time) and C had wanted to ride her motorcycle out to this little river town nearby we like and wanted me to go with but I was tired and riding on two wheels fast scares me so I told her to go on, and I used the time to run an errand (I got the car's oil changed...). Well, she apparently had decided that I just didn't want to hang out with her (she'd ripped me a new one the night before, so probably I was avoiding a little - actually, to be honest, the night before, I went to bed before she did and I laid down, thinking, if she comes to bed and kisses me on the head or shoulder or something, I'll know she still loves me, but if she doesn't, well, maybe I should think about changing this situation somehow. And she came to bed and stayed on her side and didn't say a word to me, not that night, not in the morning, not until she texted asking if I wanted to go on a motorcycle ride which I interpreted as her asking if I minded if she went, since a very rarely want to go...anyway...).
And while she was off on her bike ride, something amazing happened. She read an article and sent me THIS text:
"This was very interesting. I'm sorry if my actions and words don't make you feel safe. I won't push or chase anymore. http://www.alturtle.com/archives/1239"
I read the article and it was as if the writer was describing our interactions, right down to my "near pass outs" when things get really stressful. And I remembered times in my past when I was having the same issues, and if I'm honest, there was someone who was making me feel very unsafe.
When she got home, we talked about it. She wanted to know why I didn't share my thoughts and feelings with her - and I reminded her of how she reacted when I had admitted I was feeling nervous - she said, "Well, how could I know...you didn't even talk to your grandma all week before we went!" And I said, "Well, I was afraid to call her. I was afraid she'd tell me not to come. So I didn't call and give her that chance." And C understood. "Why don't you tell me these things?" she asked.
"I wish I could," I said. "I love you and I want to be able to tell you anything and not worry about how you will react, but that's not my reality."
She took that, and was quiet. She thought for a moment. Then nodded.
Things have been much better since then. I suppose this is what marriage is about - working out the kinks and all- and I hope that understanding that whole dynamic will help us be better partners for each other.
I want to ask her if she did the same thing to others before me (made them shut down and turn inward or avoid her because she made them feel "unsafe" (not physically, exactly, read the article if you want to know what that term means in this context).
What is interesting is that I've been on THIS end of that dynamic numerous times. In fact I prided myself on my patience and tolerance, when in reality it was so bad for me. Of course, when in relationships I didn't value as much, I was stronger. But I've always felt like my partners had very strong negative feelings that didn't leave any room for the expression of my feelings - and that I'd be punished if I was to stick up for myself. Which, of course, I was.
Anyway, that's where we're at. And I think we'll stay together (there's been no talk of separating but I was thinking it might come to that). We are looking for a piece of property for a weekend tiny house - C found the perfect parcel (riverfront, building site cleared, priced where we could pay cash, in our favorite little town C rides her motorcycle to) and emailed a woman we know who is supposed to be our realtor. The next day, realtor emails back that the parcel "is gone" but provides links to some other tracts. Turns out the parcel wasn't "gone" but it went under contract shortly after that email exchange. C is kicking herself for not going straight to the listing agent instead of working thru our "buyer's agent" because now we will only get the land if the contract falls thru. We'll know in about ten days.
I'm taking the zen view - if that land is meant for us, we'll end up with it. It's only about 20 minutes from our regular house, 175 feet of waterfront....room for a tiny house.
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