Gratitude, Voice in Reconnaissance

That therapy is something to maintain sanity rather than being embrittled with so many things.

To beat isolation and little social contact on weekends, I open some random video chat windows or some IP CCTV cameras site where I get to see or hear how the world and life is passing by in the background. I love the candid parts of such watching, not particularly focused ( as I keep working on) or not particularly looking forward to anything. No doubt it diverts the focus on work at hand but the time does not hang heavy on me. Sometimes sounds, sometimes visuals, sometimes flipping cameras on the other side sometime the perception that nobody is on this side as the camera gives glimpses of interesting scenes or acts, that is more than just a digression. Sometimes I just leave my camera open so that ‘cruisers’ don’t stop by watching a man. But i was amazed at the number of gays that could be around and the kinds of requests they make. And 95 % are depraved men like me and there are always a few couples with some ‘sharing’ quotient. Real women ? I don’t think they exist here.

It was a refreshing surprise when I heard a gal’s voice and could not believe it. Her camera was off. So I turned on the mike, video was already on. A hooker ?

hello ? ....hello
how are you? ....doing good
What is your age .....65
(i expected this should have been the wet towel for her to push ‘next’, I waited or her to leave)

I am 24.....
....
She showed no sign to leave in a hurry and went on with the voice conversation;
her voice was like a oasis in a desert for me and I felt was was candid rather than practiced. The words were not cliches.
....
why should you be here ?.......just to beat loneliness and anybody who wishes to speak, nothing in particular.
.....
This went on or 8-10 mins and I never let my guard down to bring to surface any sign of my own state of frustration or ‘tension’. It was indeed an experience to hear a real girl speaking uninhibitedly; such encounters are much better than well written books. That comes extempore with no composing. I wish she had kept the company for longer.

(This was first time I encountered such a random person i.e somebody I did’t take interest in)

She sought to know my number at some point and wished to stay in touch with me as a friend (I had already checked her IP address and she has shared her actual location). I knew the hookers’ ways and made it clear that our contact being limited until either of us hitting the button above the video frame. But she didn’t go away as I expected…She went on talking and her voice without a face, talking just normal matters, made me feel so loved and cared. I had once watched a theatre performance how a man and women had fallen in love while serving jails where they could only talk to each other on different sides of the wall separating male and female prisoners. It was dramatized but with nuances that can be intensely felt only through words or a voice without visuals distracting.

She continued and I did try to read her without sounding invasive or betraying what was in my mind. She kept throwing hints that she could discuss more intimate stuffs. I wanted to lengthen this thread by not very forthcoming in subject. I surely did’t wish to come across as a dirty old man.
..
I: Why you come to such places where there are so many dirty people operating; you are young and should be in the real world.
She: No, sometimes I get some interesting chat like I am doing with you.
.....
I: Since your camera is off, how do you decide who to chat with; what you look for?
She: I love muscular boys
…( did’t take the subject it forward, .. I am not muscular by any standard nor a boy for a 24)
.....
....
She: Are you not feeling cold; you are sitting bare bodied … (she was in a region with 9 degree centigrade)
I: I am located on just the opposite side of where you live, its 28 degree centigrade
.....
(I wanted this to be a thick book, but she was apparently running thin inside her mind).
…
She: Can I see what you are wearing below (I was on my work table)
I obliged her
.....
She:…No,please don’t sit down.
…
She: can I kiss you…(details omitted)

there were very human acoustics from behind the blank screen and more than symbolic acts
( I was most entering into a disbelief zone).

.. a few more details she revealed about herself on her own (that sounded like “I am an average girl”, no flattering details)
......
a couple of minutes passed such
....
Then she said something very explicit about the effect of talk with me and …to cut short, went on to some audible ecstatic state for quite a while, hardly listening to what I was saying…and uttering things....
…
Don’t wish to recall much at that point in time…but she would ve hit the button and there was suddenly somebody else in the frame when I looked again. The dream was broken.
…
The voice was still echoing in my mind and I just had to get it off my body where it had reached.

Felt loved after long long time, real, and by a stranger. If she truly pleasured herself, its my honor, I would say.

I feel so ‘normal’ now…I will not be struggling with whom to think of tonight, its easy to put a face to a voice than to a song “everyday I wake up, then I start to break up, lonely is....”

I am grateful and I am happy, for small mercies.

Last updated January 31, 2021