Being Un-Unhappy in Reconnaissance

I would guess, its another phase yet to be defined.

The trigger to come to think about it was some writing I read with the caption ‘Single and Happy’. Is that an innovative one ? Or should it have been ‘Happy and Single’ ? The nobrainer answer is ‘it depends’.

But what struck me was possibly evaluating the question in light of some theories I had read long ago about psycho-physiological measures that explains anti-social / criminal behavior or more popularly the debatable genetic theories of crimes. I do subscribe to such theories secretly in my works and have seen few robber-to-sage realities. In my nondescript world, I just live with some character or values that I think are mine or more particularly I might have inherited. As one is forced to live with oneself for long, one starts discovering a lot about self. I start doubting if I have been forsaken or I renounced. I don’t debate whether I am a winner or a loser as I am a loser within, with conviction. I struggle with this not manifesting in my professional appearance but I am always afraid lest it betrays. Even if one might have passed all those phases, there are pin-points of those phases that prick at unexpected moments.

Well, if that sounds bad, it need not be. The question I was evaluating in my mind was if I am happy or unhappy. I can easily conclude, I am not unhappy. Its sad (or genetic) that it might not easily show. The second question is if I am single or rather thinking over the new trend of being single: if one is happy because s/he is single or rather s/he is single because he is (wants to remain) happy. But that so throws up a question of difference between escapism and renunciation. I would still struggle, to decide.

In the meantime, I just wanted to originally write in the entry that I am feeling so happy because I randomly played some ethnic drum tracks on internet that was so uplifting and floated me away to an island of happiness, far removed from the gibberish I wrote above.

So who do I remember now ? Two girls who were cutting their teeth in my team then (they left long ago) and entered my chamber for something. Girls being girls (sic), the spontaneity was expected but not in that place. As she exclaimed, “Oh my God, Sir is smiling !! ” and the look on both those beautiful faces still flash before me as a good memory. They spoke to me and left but the realization then that I don’t smile kept biting me for long. There may be many slangs to describe such a man but all my subsequent efforts to be different has frustrated me further. Ha..ha..but you need some such glum-faces to differentiate those smileys, for the smiley to be winners, but please don’t be fooled....as the ragas of life play one as it is playing on my speaker. I am Happy, in short, may be.