Back and Forth in Feeling Lost and Confused.

You don’t belong here, you don’t belong there. The only place you feel like you belong at is at home, where you feel loved and appreciated. Heck, you even feel needed at home. The animals need you, (maybe)? You know for sure that your boyfriend needs you. His very existence you feel like depends on you and your existence. But does he really need and want you like he says he does everyday all day. Why is it so hard to belong everywhere else? Why must you crave others approval like it’s honestly going to help your life? Why do you never feel enough, enough for yourself, enough for your family, enough for your friends, enough for your boyfriend, enough for your job even. Are you even making a difference, or are you just taking up space. Why are you not enough for yourself? You will go completely out of your way to help others so that they will accept you. You will literally put your life on hold to help others. You’ll starve yourself, pick someone up and drop them off, even give them the clothes off your back. Just so that they’ll want you, need you, just so that you can maybe just maybe feel important. Who really knows what is going on in your head. There’s a whirlwind of undealt with trauma and emotions. Why are you so emotionally unstable? Why do you seek companionship? Why do you have to have someone be with you all the time? Why are you not okay with being by yourself? You obviously don’t have daddy issues. Which would explain a lot for some of the women. Your parents are very proactive in your life. Both of your parents have done nothing but love and supported you through all of your hot mess express-ness. What is wrong with you and why are you so broken? Why is that the chick that your ex cheated on you with reaping all of the benefits. When you had to struggle. You had to put up with crap. You had to take care of him, pay his bills, do things on your own. But you get called a cheater, an alcoholic, a flirt. But when he does it it’s okay. Why are you internally still not okay with everything? It happened well over a year ago, and you’re still internally hurting from it. Maybe you haven’t shed enough tears. Maybe you need to get revenge. But wait, people who believe in God aren’t supposed to get revenge or get even, Buy you’re hurting, he didn’t hurt like he hurt you. He doesn’t know the pain that you dealt with. He doesn’t know the abuse that he caused you, mentally, physically, and emotionally. You even started thinking that something was wrong with you that he kept cheating. Maybe you were too tall, too fat, too, too basic, too not enough. What is it with you and not being enough. Your longest relationship was toxic beyond recognition. You were drowning in tar and expected someone who doesn’t know how to swim to come and save you. Your mom would say “you’re smarter than that, you need to do better.” Maybe in a nicer way. You even watered myself down to make him happy. It wasn’t enough though. He left to go be with someone else and she’s getting spoiled in ways that you didn’t. You get spoiled in a different way. A better way. You get to come home to someone who will get drunk with you, allow you to get drunk by yourself, draws you a bath even after he’s worked a long day. Someone who will cook for you, give you all the cuddles, and babies the entire crap out of you. You’ve never been a materialistic girl, why are you trying to be one now. Your time will eventually come and you’ll get everything you want and then some. You just need to be patient. But waiting for things you’ve desired your whole life is starting to seem impossible. Why is there someone much younger than I am so much more accomplished in life. Why are you failing at life. You could have been so much more than what you are now. But you’re just going through the motions of life, work, home. Not really living just helping. Why must you always compare yourself to more successful people. You know it always makes you sad. You have to do life at your own pace. It’s not a race. But you feel like you can barely hold it together. You’re falling apart. You know you need help. You need to talk to an unbiased person, someone who can help you. But you don’t know where to look because you don’t have insurance anymore. You don’t want to be paying an arm and a leg just to talk to someone.