What do you do when everything in your brain tells you to walk away but everything inside you is looking for a reason to fight?
I’m in love with a man - a real man, that’s made me feel things no one ever has. I’m in love with a man that sees me for me and cares about me. Now that might seem like the bare minimum I know, but I know a lot of people that love and care about me. But not a lot of people that I feel that love and care from.
Like all good things, there’s a catch. This is a man that’s been damaged, used, hurt. A man that’s real with me but somehow can’t be real with himself. A man who is struggling emotionally to overcome all the bullshit that’s been thrown his way. An engagement that never happened, and the lover that killed his love.
I’m in love with this man, but I’m also in love with all the things we could’ve been but never were. I don’t want to love him. Sometimes he’d make me feel like I’m the bare minimum and that somehow I’m not worthy. I know that I’d only feel like that when he’s struggling to find the worth in himself. Shortly after though, he’d make me feel quite the opposite. Either way, I don’t deserve that; I’m aware. He’s aware. And that’s why we ended our thing that never was. Yet I still love him. Does that say something bad about me? I don’t know.
Here we have two individuals that care for each other, that love each other, but aren’t together because one is too emotionally damaged. And does that anger me? Yes. But am I angry with him? Not in the slightest.
I’m endlessly disappointed and I told him that I wont hope for things to go that way again; I asked him not to lead me on again. I told him, I don’t want to feel that way again. But here I am, months later, writing about him online because I’m hopelessly in love with him and I don’t feel like there’s anything I can do about it.
I don’t cry about him anymore so at least there’s that. But it doesn’t make me want him any less. Like fools, we said we’d stay friends but I’m struggling so hard holding back the things I really want to say.
The thing is, I’d rather have you as a friend than not at all because that’s how much I love you.
-The End-
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