I saw my doc this morning and he's put me on some new tablets - Venlalic XL 37.5mg, which he says will help me to feel calmer. They do have similar side-effects to the citalopram, so I've warned my family that there may be other suicidal episodes and if I start to have them I WILL inform them immediately.
I've been calmer today, have been out with my camera, (with my husband, which I know must seem weird, it was certainly weird to me, but we do still get on, and we both enjoy photography) and shot some great images today - the best one being of a footballer hoverfly. I fell shortly after that and ended up rolling around in mud in a ditch, which wasn't fun. I was more worried about breaking my camera, but I managed to save it from damage other than a few spots of mud. I was caked in it from waist to ankle, but it washes off.
I have to see the doc again in the morning and again next week, and he's signed me off work for a month. I must say, that's made things a lot easier, I'm less hassled about that side of things at least.
I still don't know what I'm going to do, but the doc said to leave any major decision making until I'm feeling stronger generally. If I can just get through each day without wanting to top myself, that will at least be one bonus. Baby steps.
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