I need to get this out. I have my online friends. They mean a lot to me. I don’t communicate as much as I should, but I love them dearly.
I had a real life friend. They lived in the town I moved to and were a big motivation for my choice. They supported me, helped me settle, and we hung out at least once a week since I arrived.
I noticed over the last 3 or so weeks things were changing, but I didn’t want to recognize what it meant. I truly felt like things would be ok, but I just noticed this person was less patient, less communicative, overall less of a friend.
Then the anniversary of my sons death happened. November 14. They barely spoke to me and chose a video game over spending time with me.
Then they ignored me for 2 days.
I asked today what happened. They found someone else to talk to. They didn’t really want to be that close of friends with me. All of a sudden. No warning. Supposedly I didn’t do anything, but I obviously also didn’t have much value in their life. Just dropped me. In the middle of my grief and pain.
Ironically, I had told them of how a previous best friend had done the exact same thing right after my son died. Just left. And how much it had hurt me. They did the same thing, even after promising they would never do that. Proclaiming how different they were.
It was literally like they took notes so they could repeat the trauma.
I immediately blocked them on every platform we communicated on. I have no desire to continue communication.
I’m so angry and hurt. I don’t want to think about them anymore. But I can’t stop. Every day for months they were a constant in my world. Now they’re gone. It’s always so much loss. I’m always so easily discarded.
Nobody stays. I must just be an awful person. I accept it. I am just unlovable for the long term. People like me in short bursts. Nobody stays very long. The more I care the quicker they run.
I can’t wait to not think about it anymore. I can’t wait to just be free of the additional sadness, as if I didn’t have enough. I hate this.
How do I even trust anyone anymore? How do I stop despising myself? How do I even try anything anymore.
I wish I could just give up entirely. Meet my son in whatever is beyond this. I’m tired of never being good enough and so easily discarded.
I’m tired of being me.
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