I always feel I am incomplete, insufficient in living this life on my own. After having a bad divorced from the person I thought I will live my whole life with. I became numb, betrayed. Yes! I got over it already. I am done. It was 7 years ago and he is happily married now. After the bad divorced, I keep on looking, trying to understand myself. Trying to get to know the person I really am. I worked on myself. I went to college again, then to uni then abroad for my master’s degree. I keep an open mind and open heart when dealing with people. I keep my option open.
I met lots of people, men. Every single one of them, I have accepted them, with an open heart, without any judgment. I accept every person have their own struggles, everyone has their own past. Until that 1 time, I met with this man, a man that I thought is different. Well, he is different, in a lot of ways. He taught me patience when he is being impatient. But, the only thing that turned me off about him is the way he tries to change me. For me, if there is LOVE, you wouldn’t want to change that person. You accept all their flaws. In my case, I accepted all his flaws, but he can’t do that for me.
After a few months, knowing each other, we get to know each other. The more I know him, the more I can see how selfish humans can become. He said he wanted to be with me, but at the same time, he is not willing to “BE” with me. During the last few weeks I’m in that country, I was having issues with my accommodation. He told me, he will sort something out for me, just come visit him at his place - 3 hours train ride from mine. He got me the ticket, I went there.
Upon reaching, he got us some take-outs - we sit in his kitchen, eating. I was pouring my heart out to him, EVERYTHING. My issues, my fears, my frustration. All he did was listen. I cried. A LOT. I hold him, I try to show love, he somehow pushes me away. I am confused. Later that day, I got a call from my friend, living not far from his place. We arrange a meet up for tomorrow. We slept that night. With tears in my eyes.
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