Antsy in April Showers (April 2020)

I really miss school. The daily routine of it was good. I liked waking up and getting in my car and toodling off. It was a relief. I only had to think about me for a while.

Me, and the amazing shit that I was being handed at every turn. Books I wanted to read. People to discuss them with. Conversation practice in Spanish, like I’ll ever actually speak a second language fluently. Someone to hear me. It was good. And now I don’t have any of that.

The kids are thrilled, ofc. Endless summer. Early.

I am not thrilled. I am just sad. I want my life back. To add to the fun, Dick Face’s Loser Cruiser refuses to start. He’s using my car. I hate that he moves my seat around. He has to, of course, because he’s enormous, and my steering wheel doesn’t move as much as the Volvo’s. I worry about my car in his hands because even if he ruins it, he won’t replace it. He doesn’t like me having it. Never mind that it’s saving his ass right now, it’s a Thing That I Can Use To Get Away. And I really want away. So much.

I worry I won’t make it through the next year and a half.

My denturist appointment was scheduled and pushed back, ofc. I worry they won’t be done in time for me to get them for the interview with the internship that I needed them for. What the hell am I going to do if I don’t get an internship? I can’t graduate from this program without one. I feel like this dean predicted all this shit and she just wants me to wash out.

But I won’t. I want to give up, but I’ve come this far. A few more weeks.

I’ve given up so much for this chance. The chance to see my dad when he was dying: I stayed for finals.

So many doctor visits for the kids. I went to class.

All the shit I could do as a mom but not as a student…all the times I made the student choice…

It has to be worth something, right? I have to be worth something.

Am I worthless?