Wuss-Out Tendencies?* in These Foolish Things
- Oct. 26, 2020, 11:33 a.m.
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- Public
(Update at the end…)
Hm. Okay. Need a little advice.
It’s my birthday today, right? And S.S. asked me the other morning at coffee what I was doing for my birthday and I said that I was just going to go to work and lay low. He was disappointed by that and told me that I couldn’t do nothing on the night of my BIRTHDAY and he insisted on taking me to dinner. He’d figure out a nice place to go.
I said okay.
Cut to just a few minutes ago. Instead of a text wishing me a happy birthday, he asked if we could switch my birthday dinner to tomorrow night because of a flu shot he got on Saturday??? He’s slept all weekend and yada yada.
My initial reaction is to just tell him to forget the whole thing.
This is the second time he’s blown me off. The first time was for the tax deadline that he probably knew he wasn’t going to be able to make, and now…which, I don’t want to see him anyway if he’s not feeling well, and maybe that’s just what I’ll say. But the thing is, he has YET to actually propose a place to meet and to follow through. Every time I’ve seen him have been at venues and times of my suggestion.
Maybe I’ll say something like, hey, I think maybe we should wait until you’re feeling 100%, so let’s not lock in tomorrow night so there’s no expectation. Feel better.
What a bummer.
GS
UPDATE!!! I answered his text accordingly (kind of a combination of a few noters’ words of advice): “Hey, well, that’s a bummer! Was really looking forward to it. Why don’t you follow back up with me when you’re feeling 100%.”
He replied (a couple of hours later), “So I’m feeling better today…wasn’t sure if you’re ok with that. If so, I can do tonight or we can wait until one night later this week”
What the FUUUUU???? I haven’t replied to that one. I have NO idea what that means. Now he’s okay? Like, make up your mind. I’m not playing this game.
Last updated October 26, 2020
Florentine ⋅ October 26, 2020
Happy birthday! ❤️
This might sound contrary to what you think you should do, but what about leaning in a little? You’ve enjoyed his company and we’re excited for plans tonight, right? How about a text that says something along the lines of “Oh, what a bummer! I was really looking forward to dinner with you. Feel better, I will wait to hear from you!”
I think it gives some authenticity, puts the ball in his court, and maybe gives him a little push to try harder. I think we’re so used to the casualness of online dating that men have forgotten how to lock down plans and make an effort. If he follows up tomorrow, roll with it, if he flakes, that’s three strikes. 🤷♀️
Complicated Disaster Florentine ⋅ October 26, 2020
^^I go with this^^
Although I'm sure that Florentine is aware that women are just as guilty as men in this regard!
xx
Florentine Complicated Disaster ⋅ October 26, 2020
Certainly. I said men because Ginger is interacting with men on dating platforms.
Parliament Florentine ⋅ October 26, 2020
I KNOW I didn't just read a #notallmen here, CD ...
Florentine Parliament ⋅ October 26, 2020
😂
Deleted user ⋅ October 26, 2020
I'd probably not respond -- until tmrw. Why do something stressful on your bday? Then tmrw simply say hey reach out when you are feeling 100%.
Parliament Deleted user ⋅ October 26, 2020
I like this, too. Let him sit unanswered in his shame for a day.
Nash ⋅ October 26, 2020
I think Florentine has it but I think that is one heck of a reaction to a common flu shot.
Ginger Snap Nash ⋅ October 26, 2020
That’s why I’m getting a wuss vibe.
Deleted user ⋅ October 26, 2020 (edited October 26, 2020)
Edited
When it's a woman's birthday and you propose doing something, you should follow through. There should be no questions. It's a special occasion! It's a day that is about people in your life recognizing your individual specialness.
Anyway, I think you should do something fun and special that makes you happy, and he can find out about it later since he's the one missing out :P
Soliloquy ⋅ October 26, 2020
Happy birthday!
And if this man is felled by a flu shot he got TWO DAYS AGO, there is no way he's ever going to be able to keep up with your energy. Forget about him, you deserve better.
Parliament ⋅ October 26, 2020
If you give him wiggle room, he's going to take it. I would just tell him, "Look, I appreciate the gesture. Maybe next year." Then leave it at that. You want there to be a touch of shame in it for him. Don't roll over so easy, but it also doesn't have to be a "HOW DARE YOU" situation either. He doesn't have to take you out for your birthday, but he DOES have to shut the fuck up if he's not willing to keep a promise.
Athena Parliament ⋅ October 26, 2020
All of this.
drawnwell ⋅ October 26, 2020
No excuses for the bailing on your birthday. Stupid stupid stupid.
That said... this years flu shot knocked me on my ass. Textbook case right off the warning page. I've had one every year for almost 20 years and never had it do me like this year.
Deleted user ⋅ October 27, 2020
Happy birthday!
Too bad that he sounds like a non-op (non-operative). Not even going to hazard a guess. All I know is that, in my experience at least, if a man likes a woman, wild horses couldn't keep him away, never mind a flu shot or a tax day. Maybe I am about to set the bar insanely high, but my sister once had a few dates with a guy who she thought was blowing her off when he was late for a date. Then he called from his hospital bed as soon as he came to, after being in a car accident. The guy nearly died and he managed to call her. When they want ya, they go after ya, especially in our playgroup.
Athena Deleted user ⋅ October 27, 2020 (edited October 27, 2020)
Edited
I was having a conversation with a friend about "if a man likes a woman, wild horses couldn't keep him away." Which yes, yes, yes. There's a page I tore out of a magazine in 1988 that I still have that's one of those 30 things to know by the time you are 30 and it's got a version of that on it. IF HE WANTS TO SEE YOU, HE WILL SEE YOU. It also included a gem like "if he's not calling, it's not because he is dead."
Ginger Snap Athena ⋅ October 27, 2020
Yes! These comments have inspired my next entry I'm about to post...
Deleted user Athena ⋅ October 28, 2020
I do believe I remember that. Was it in Cosmo or Glamour or one of those? And to think those 30 things preceded He's Just Not That Into You by 16 years.
Athena Deleted user ⋅ October 28, 2020
YES! It was in Cosmo and it was called something like "30 things to know about men by the time you're 30." I've thought about it thousands of times over the years because it's turned out to be so very true. There is exactly one reason a man doesn't ask you out and then follow through — he doesn't really want to. And it goes both ways. There is exactly one reason I have not gone out the many men who asked me out on a second or third date — I didn't really want to. It's the bottom line.
Ginger Snap Athena ⋅ October 28, 2020
Yes. It's so fuggin simple yet it trips me up sometimes. I think this one tripped me up the way it did because he's been soooo very wonderful, respectful and chivalrous with just the right amount of flirtation and hand-holding on all four of our meetings...and then blammo.
WhatDreamsMayCome ⋅ October 27, 2020
Happy birthday!
Dating is such a different world. Back in the day it was so easy to choose the place to eat or the activity to do. Now it's just easier to let her pick so I don't have to hear the critique of my suggestions.
;-)
His backing out is not encouraging.
Ginger Snap WhatDreamsMayCome ⋅ October 27, 2020
Not encouraging at all. :(
Marg ⋅ October 27, 2020
I realise the date is passed now but I dunno - I can see he only responded to what you said - you were bummed out at not going so because he was feeling better he thought maybe it would be ok to still go out? But he gave you an option to opt out as well in case you felt that was too last minute so he kind of acknowledged the ‘mucking about aspect’. I mean I think the better option would have been to tell you about the flu shot first and how that might have affected making plans because he must have known he was getting one - but I do kinda think he was trying. Go with your gut feeling on him though.
bobbi01 ⋅ October 28, 2020
I'm late too. You have some very smart noters!
Ginger Snap bobbi01 ⋅ October 28, 2020
I sure do! It always amazes me every time I ask for advice here.
plushcreep ⋅ October 28, 2020
I dunno. I'm terrible at giving advice in these situations, because it's not at all how I would act...but I can't hold everybody to my own personal standards. I feel like he's being a little wishy-washy (who cancels because of a flu shot?! I got one last week and my arm was a little sore for a day and a half, but that wouldn't have stopped me from going out on a date!).
Jinn ⋅ October 29, 2020
Happy Belated Birthday !