[four] in Open Diary

Oh, what a world! I don't know. I am a freaking mess! But I am so anti-drama that I don't want to let on in my real life. Beside, I don't really have any friends close enough that I would dump any of this on--it's just trashy. I went out to a bar on Saturday night. I had a really good time. Today I feel broken-hearted because I realize that I felt more accepted, more loved, less invisible than I've felt for over a year at church. At first, I think, "well, the people at the bar do not know how wretched, how awful, how annoying, how broke I really am--it was easy for them to like me." But, really? Isn't that the point of church? We used to be really into church. My Husband and I both served in ministry. We were well-liked and well-loved there. Then, over a year ago, My Husband was arrested. He spent a week in jail and he plead "no contest" to a felony charge. He was not guilty. He was stabbed in the back by a kid we'd been pouring our lives into. But we couldn't afford a lawyer and My Husband had to get out of jail and get back to work to support his wife and four children. He really had no option but to plead "no contest." And nothing has been the same since. During that week he was in jail, the worst week of my life, I said that that event would bi-sect my life into "before" and "after." At that point, I didn't know things would work out--he was facing fourteen years of prison. You might say it all worked out--he did six months wearing an ankle monitor and, now, probation--but our personal lives might not ever be the same. He was stripped of his ministry positions in the church and we're just not so warmly welcomed anymore. Not that anyone has said we don't belong there, they haven't, but things have changed. And sometimes...sometimes I think I'm crazy and it's all in my head--maybe I'm just too sensitive to everything. I don't know, though. Our friends don't call or reach out anymore. And I am sure they wonder...did he really not do it? Or did he? Probably better not invite them over just in case. Larceny, yanno? But that was the beginning of everything that has changed for us. He lost so much. And I don't think that he can even put his finger on what changed for him. But he lost the support and respect of our entire support community and that really affects a man. I don't hate him. On the contrary, I love him very much. And I can even understand, to a degree, what is going on with him. It still hurts. He hurts me. And I hurt for him. He finally had a surgery consultation for his back last week. It's worse than he thought it was. He'll have surgery in six to eight weeks. Full recovery will be a year long. I put in my application for that job. We're broke. He's physically broken. I'm emotionally broken. We're both broken down to our very cores and it feels like we do not have a single friend in the world to lean on right now. We only have each other and we're so broken that, even as we reach out to each other, we push each other away. Oh, what a world! I'm melting.