Started to write an entry yesterday on such a gloomy, rainy Sunday. But I felt like I wanted to get outside, so I went for a walk after the rain let up a little bit, and then you know what? The sun came out! So I walked some more.
I continue to feel somewhat dumbfounded lately with regards to the heartache and grief. OK at times, but waves of sorrow cross my mind now and then and I get all teary-eyed. But again, it’s strange. I feel a weird sense of guilt that I’m not doing worse than I’m doing at this point. It’s been just over a month. How can this be? I shouldn’t fight it, but I’m so worried that I’m skipping some step in this process. I keep thinking that I should be experiencing some kind of profound epiphany that will enlighten my entire being – and I feel like it’s supposed to take a long time.
Maybe it’s that deep down I wanted this to happen as well. I wanted it to end. I think I did. Maybe I’ve come to most of the conclusions that I need to come to from this relationship:
Saturday was an exceptionally fun day – wine tasting with friends from work! We did a wine tour of local wineries and I can’t believe I’d never done that before, considering how much I love to drink wine! So it was a girl and a guy from work, and maybe I’m oblivious, but I heard later that maybe the girl has a crush on the guy (??). Regardless, we had a blast basically bar hopping and day drinking and teasing each other the whole time. It was pure joy on Saturday and though going to wineries reminded me a little of SexyPants, the fact that I was having a great time with other people gave me some relief.
Saturday evening was a birthday party at yet another co-worker’s house. It was far, far away from both the wineries and my house, so the drive out there and the drive home wasn’t really much fun. In fact, the party wasn’t that much fun, but I was glad to be invited and included. Had some decent conversation, but I don’t really remember what about (not that important). I stayed for 2 ½ hours even though I could have been happy to stay 15 minutes. But I’m glad I went, and I think the Birthday Girl was glad as well.
I was home and in bed before 10PM. Fine with me. Sunday was supposed to be rainy and even though I knew it would make me sad and blue, I was looking forward to laying low, staying in, and nursing my heart a bit.
Sunday was also when I continued my Timber sext relationship with one of the sexiest texters I’ve ever met. What shall we call him? He deserves a name because I know he’ll be a recurring theme at least for a little while. Be still my heart. I’ll call him Bulldog, as in Hair-of-The.
So Bulldog. Yeah. We met the day after I signed up and immediately started the flirty texts. And he was good. And sexy. And hotter than hot. Nothing like ANY of the other guys on the app. I mean, nothing. So we have flirted and texted and sext(ed?) and….practically done the deed over text messages. It’s hot and steamy and fun, and just what the doctor ordered. I have no idea where it’s going, but I’m enjoying this to the fullest.
Here’s the only problem/issue: he keeps teasing me about meeting, yet he won’t pull the trigger. He keeps asking me things like if I’d like for him to run his fingers through my long, beautiful hair and places he wants to take me – his family’s winery, walks in the part, the restaurant close to both of us, etc. etc.
So finally I just came out and asked him when he’d like to meet, and he gave me this vague, “Someday. When we know each other better.”
WTF. I’m ok. I’m fine with waiting….
But then he sends me the sexiest texts yesterday and this morning that send me excusing myself to give myself some relief. He’s all over the board. And it’s weird but it’s fun and it feels a little dangerous. But again, a lovely, steamy distraction.
OK. Gotta roll. I’ve had meetings all day and need to take care of some other stuff.
Love, love, heartbroken, raw, and sexy love!
GS
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