References of self-harm in forewarning, just in case.
I’ve been in a rut these last few years. I’ve gone to therapy (still do), I’ve got a good understanding of emotions and I listen and communicate well with others.
I still can’t get out of this rut of which is starting to feel more like a sinkhole as time passes. There was one point several years ago when I got to the deep end and I did dangerous things to myself that I regret to this day. Even years after, I can still faintly see some of the things I did. I’ve since moved away from that, and I’ve had lovely moments and memories I’d never forget.
But there are days now that I think back to it and my situation similarly. I’m in no position forced by anyone else, and the things that lead me to feel this way are choices and mistakes I made on my own. I have a hard time with control. I have a hard time balancing the thought of possibility and the act of letting go, and the advice I get from others is just as mixed. Some say not to let go and chase it if you know you can, and some say you should accept it and let it go for the better.
I feel right now like I’m stuck in a loop. I want to tell someone that I love how I feel, and I want them to show me love instead of trying to solve my problems. Therapists are nice and I know many of them do care, but I’m given schedules and routines, advice and coaching on a point A to point B plan that may change how I feel later, but doesn’t change how I feel now. Nobody wants to be burdened by hearing all of these things that might make them feel bad too, and I understand that, so I don’t bother. There are times when I break this loop and I say something, but it’s shrugged off in the nicest way possible as I probably should expect it to be.
I keep this up because I have hope and I’ll never let that go away, but I still feel the way I do and I wish it’d change for the better.
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