Today has been very strange thus far. It’s currently noon as I write this. There’s been a strange pain in me today. I’m not sure what it is, but the idea of her leaving is making me especially sad today. There isn’t anything different about today than any other day. Maybe it’s just that I feel the days going by and I know that soon, she will be packed up and ready to move out. It’s still so strange. Things aren’t just tolerable with her living here, even though she’s told me that she’s leaving, they’re wonderful. We’ve spent days expressing our love for one another. She still tells me goodnight with as much love as she did when our relationship was still new. I’m not feeling less loved by her. I’m only feeling sadness connected to her leaving. It’s only been 10 days since I was told by her that she couldn’t stay but it feels like an eternity. However, I know that by the time she walks out the door, the time will feel like it’s gone by too quickly.
It’s so strange to feel so much love from someone, knowing that they can’t stay with you anymore. I find myself angry at myself for my imperfections, for every wrong thing I said, and for every senseless fight I further instigated when instead, I should have just given in and told her that she matters more than the subject at hand. Yesterday was a wonderful day between the two of us. We spent all morning cleaning the house and drinking our coffee. We finished quickly, like we planned, so we could enjoy the rest of the day and spend it relaxed with one another. We watched a movie that we both wanted to see. We talked about how much we loved it. We played a board game several times with smiles on our faces. After which, we watched another movie. It was a movie that she wanted to show me. It was a long one so by the time it was over, it was time for bed. We snuggled up with each other and drifted off to sleep.
For some reason though, I’m still suffering through an ache in the pit of my stomach. I want to burst into tears despite all the happy times we are having with each other. At the end of the day, I want her to stay. I don’t want her to go. I don’t want her to leave me. I want to swear to be better and compromise on our differences. I believe this happiness is worth holding onto. I think the good and the happiness far outweighs the pain that we’ve both felt on many occasions. Maybe the best thing for me is to ask her to leave quickly. Maybe it is but that doesn’t matter to me. I would never forgive myself for letting her leave when we still had a chance to make more happy memories before it all ended. So I will suffer through this pain and this sadness until our time comes to an end. I will use the time that she isn’t around like this to truly let my feelings out. I will vent page after page just to have the confidence that I’ve allowed myself to talk about and reflect on my feelings. It doesn’t really matter to me that nobody is listening. I just need to say what I need to say. I’m sure as a result of that, there are going to be portions of this that make little to no sense and I will look back on these with confusion. I’ll wonder what I was trying to say exactly. However, I will know how I felt. I will know the sorrow and the darkness that I’m about to go through. I can never forget these dark times in my life and how difficult they’ve always been for me. The time in which I’m trapped in this darkness will feel like forever. Until I’m out on the other side.
Winter will be the most difficult. Having to sit alone with my sorrow without the comfort of the sunshine. I won’t having the healing power of a nice walk outdoors. The cold offends my sensibilities to no end....
Back to the topic at hand though. She’s gone now, which gives me time to express these thoughts and feelings on my lunch break without the fear of letting her see me cry. Even though I don’t want her to see, she’s the only one I want to hold in my time of sadness. I don’t really have any close friends or family so she has always been the one for me to go to in my times of difficulty. But what am I supposed to do when I have no means of venting and I cannot confide in the one who has been there for me… I guess this. I guess I’ll just fill the internet with my thoughts and feelings until I no longer need to.
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