Biopsy in Once more, with feeling...

Had one of those today on some cysts on my right parotid gland. A fine needle aspiration, whatever that means. It wasn’t much fun but it wasn’t horrible, either. So, I should know by the end of the week if I have cancer or not.

I am feeling only a little nervous. My odds are pretty good, with 80% of parotid cysts being benign. And, also, if I do have cancer, well…

I’ve got insurance, so treatment, if available, won’t be an issue. But also, I have enough money in savings that, if I’m gonna die, I’m gonna go out with a bang. Sex, drugs, and rock & roll, or something like that. I’m going to take whatever time I have left and just live as much as possible. I’ll spend every possible moment with people that love me. I’ll take a trip to Disneyland. I’ll get a passport and visit Jamaica. I’ll visit my few random loved ones here and there. And then I’ll spend as much time as possible with you. I want to experience as much as possible. I want to try everything. I want to take road trips and kiss and make love and do drugs and get drunk and laugh until I can’t breathe. I want to feed you ice cream and eat peanut butter honey banana sandwiches with you. I want to go bowling and mini-golfing and go-carting or something.

And I think that’s why I’m not really so scared regardless of the outcome. Because you. Because I know that I have you in my life for whatever life I have left and that makes it all just perfect. For a day, a week, a year, for another 25 years, however long I live, as long as you exist in my world, my world is a good, happy place and I am living my best life.

You really do make the whole world a better, brighter place for me. You’ve helped me recognize what my “best self” is and how to achieve it. My best self is this, me, right now. I am living my best life and being my best self because of you and your love for me. I feel like there’s nothing I can’t face, nothing I can’t accomplish, because there you always are, being all loving and supportive and kind. It is impossible for me to not believe in myself because I feel like you believe in me and you have powerful magic. You make me believe in the things you say to me. I feel like I’m seeing a stranger when I look at myself through your eyes, but man, she’s awesome, the person you see in me. Your love for me is so fulfilling that, if I were to die, I would die happy and at peace, having finished out my life loving and being loved by you.

Thank you again for calling me today. I don’t feel like I fully expressed my gratitude for the time we spent together today. You make everything feel so much better, easier, less scary and uncertain. I think I would not be feeling as peaceful as I do right now if it weren’t for that phone call.

You are the best human. I love you. I appreciate you and I am so fortunate to have you in my life.