Not sure what I’m going to do today to keep these obsessive thoughts out of my head. The weekend was insane, and I mean that fairly literally.
I didn’t do myself any favors yesterday. I’ve signed myself up for a volunteer situation that I felt very strongly about as it involves my friend who’s had a spinal cord injury and now owns and runs a rehab center for other spinal cord injury patients. It’s an amazing place and I love what she’s doing. She’s putting together a fundraiser that’s right up my alley (full of fashion and wine!), so I told her that I’d gladly help.
Here’s the problem: she’s SexyPant’s best friend’s daughter. They are close like family. I wanted to do this anyway and told myself that I could handle it, and I did handle it yesterday, but it still put a major ache in my heart.
We only talked briefly about the breakup as there were other things to get to, but she said something about how she’d seen SP and he told her about the breakup. He’d stopped by her office to get online to send something urgent out and they had a brief discussion.
We didn’t get to any commentary (what he said) about it. She said that he was distraught that his son was absolutely unbearable and that he’s sending him away to some kind of boarding school (Son has been kicked out of every single school he’s ever been in, including the special needs school most recently, so he’s 18 and a high school dropout…not sure what kind of boarding school…not my concern anymore).
And the only other time SP was brought up in the 3 hours that I was there was when friend (let’s call her K for now) brought up the fact that he is donating something pretty major to the cause in the silent auction. This means that I will see him at the event in October. I truly, truly hope that I’m doing much better at that point.
Guess the other thought is that I could stay behind the scenes at this event. Not sure how that will work, but I’m sure that I can do something. Regardless, it’s a wonderful cause and a cool event and I promised I’d do it, so that’s that.
I got drunk again at the meeting. K had wine and I had a few glasses. I really need to stop drinking like that. This kind of self-medication is pushing me deeper into depression, and I feel like I’m injuring myself. After the meeting, I drove home and then walked around the couple of blocks to see if I could get into the rooftop pool deck bar at the fancy boutique hotel. Oh my god…I’m so glad they didn’t let me in (you have to be a guest of the hotel – I guess they used to let the riff raff like me in before). I wasn’t hammered, but I was definitely tipsy and I would have been in bad, bad shape had they let me in.
Went home and ate some cereal (broke my bread challenge…boo) and passed out on my bed. Woke at 11:30 feeling super shitty and couldn’t get back to sleep until well after 2AM. Sadly, checking emails and FB and just generally letting my obsessive thoughts wash over me for hours.
Got up at 5, struggling, but managed to get my workout in, showered, ready for work and at the office before 8.
And here I am at the office. Whee. Holding back yet more tears. This grief stuff is for the birds. I can’t believe I miss him this much. I can’t believe it hurts this horribly. I guess I was in total shock those few weeks ago and I guess my body kept the pain away for a little while. I am only relieved for the fact that I will never have to deal with SP’s son again, and yeah I guess that’s a big, big thing. I’ve just got to keep looking at it that way.
I’m a little embarrassed to write this, but I’m going to anyway. I’ve resorted to finding articles online about how to heal my broken heart. I even paid for one of those online classes that’s supposed to help you work through the pain. I will admit, some of the exercises are excruciating and they piss me off. But when I really think about it, they are a lot like journaling this out and are therapeutic.
Regarding going to counseling: it’s an option that I won’t rule out. It’s just that I haven’t gone running to therapy for a couple of reasons – (1) I feel like I’ve been here before and I know what a therapist is going to say as a band aid, (2) I’ve never found a therapist that I really and truly like and trust. I’ve never felt tons or relief or had a real ah-ha moment with one, (3) I feel like I’m getting just as good advice and support via other methods. If I start going off the deep end, I will adjust, but that’s where I am right now.
So. I need to start writing down the ways I’m moving on with my life. Let’s go:
1. I have a job interview with my old company for the primo position I’d written about months ago. Time TBD, but it is supposed to be this week. As a side note (and this doesn’t help my cause much, but SP was the one who really encouraged me to go for this. I wanted so desperately to call him as soon as I hung up the phone with the recruiter…but I resisted).
2. I am going to see my friend at the beach for a long weekend in May. I need this so much. Just want to put my toes in the sand and watch the waves roll through, relax and figure out where to go from here.
3. I’m planning on taking a vacation in Italy (Tuscany) at the end of September. It is a cooking school, and I just want to treat myself. It sounds marvelous – 7 day Mediterranean cooking style, winery tours, olive oil tastings, beautiful villa. Who wants to go with me? Actually, I’m looking forward to going solo. I want this to be a gift to myself.
4. I am volunteering for this event that will take place in October. I have asked myself if it was something I was doing so I would look good in SP’s eyes, and the truth of the matter is that I don’t think so. This is something I want to do for the cause and for me.
5. I scrolled through a quick search on Match.com over the weekend. It didn’t make me feel any better, but the good news is, it didn’t make me feel any worse either. I’m not ready to date again (duh), but when I am I keep thinking I’ll go back to online. If for nothing else than to get some dates under my belt. I don’t know that I’ll ever find Mr. Right online. In fact, I don’t know that I’ll ever find Mr. Right at all! Who knows? Rate-A-Date just might be BACK!
Gotta roll. Thank you again for all of the notes. They help. I love you.
Loading comments...