relapse in my life.

relapse. i have relapsed. no not on drugs or alcohol but something just as hard to recover from. i have become my old self again. i’ve become the person who hates their self. the person who’s broken beyond fixable. the person who just wants to disappear. i was doing good but then i was quickly fooled. why do i deserve to be happy ? that’s what i should’ve asked myself . maybe it wouldn’t hurt as bad when i realized it was just a preview. it was taunting me, showing me something i’d never have. after putting in such work and dedication to fix myself. one night i felt like every ounce of happiness was snatched from me. relapse. i no longer feel the need to eat, i no longer feel the need to sleep, i no longer feel the need to express how i feel. unfortunately this is nothing new. i’m no virgin to this, i’ve felt these same things before. i just thought they were gone for good. relapse. i’ve been reminded how it feels to be completely alone, drowning in soundless thoughts of giving up. how no matter how many people are around you , you don’t feel like they’re even there. how no matter who wants to help you deep down you think they don’t care. that’s when i stopped giving myself any time. no time to cry, no time to speak, no time for me. none of that matters right ? you’re nothing special so don’t give it a thought . don’t let anyone else either , if you tell them and yourself enough that you’re fine it will come true right ? the deep sad pit in your stomach will start to become shallow ? the feeling of drowning will suddenly stop ? when you’re alone you’ll stop thinking about giving up ? that’s how my mind is beginning to work once more . no matter what i’m never good enough for myself. relapse. i’m starting to miss the stinging sensation when the water reaches my skin. the feeling of being in control again. i promised myself i would never do it again, but the thoughts are overwhelming i want to give in.