A New Day in Life

It’s been a while, which means there’s been a lot of growth. I find I tend to go silent when I’m in moments of development. I’m not sure if that’s a common trait but I suppose everyone interacts with their Self differently. Individualism! Huzzah!

I’ve found a peace internally lately. While things aren’t perfect they’re pretty close. Focusing on what’s great is, of course, Ellie. She continues to grow and flourish. She’s developing new words. She sings! She “sang” Baby Shark last night which was FREAKING ADORABLE. Kids are great. Everyone should have kids. Kids Everywhere!

I’m just kidding. I’ve had a lot of coffee and watched some Anime this morning and I have two days off together so I’m pumped.

Work is… Okay. I guess. That’s really the best I can say. I have a Chef who cares about me, which is still super fucking weird to me. (Notice the change in my vocab as I start talking about work) but it’s good. She cares. I got to take my break with my family the other day when they came in to eat at the restaurant. It’s nice working at a place where we enjoy going there to eat. I find it interesting that I don’t find it challenging like I did when I worked at The University. The Uni was a bone breaking sort of endurance challenge where this place… lets call it The Grill (Although not remotely accurate as they only ever have half their grill lit) is… A mental endurance challenge. My Supervisor complains about the same thing every day (the close shift not doing their job) and I listen every day and nothing changes every day. When I’m in control of the domain the problems don’t seem as big. Odd how that works when you don’t walk in to someone screaming “Fuck!” and throwing things around, the day seems easier. I get to work with the Chef every other week which will probably change once my Super’s kid starts going to school this year (Maybe? It’s complicated. Her life is a mess so there’s allowances with her anger issues. I would be a mess if I had someone trying to take full custody of my child too. Really she’s handling it way better than I would, I would be a disconnected mess if I had to deal with that.) The most challenging part of The Grill is the negativity. There’s just so much anger on the day shift in regards to the night shift and the guy who works the nights seems like a super chill guy. And like… being ‘hard on them’ doesn’t seem to be working so maybe make a fucking check list? I dunno… It’s also hard being an Ex-Manager and seeing all these issues where the only thing they’ve tried is bashing their heads against a wall and they’re wondering why they can’t get through the door. Like… it’s been a month or two, lets try something different. But I’m there to get paid so that I can do things I enjoy when I’m not there.

I. Am. Not. Going. To. Get. Invested.

I’m really holding myself back because I know once I cross that line it’s a swift current that carries me away.

I worked with the Chef yesterday. She’s great. I always feel like a 10 after working with her. When I work with my Super (who is also good, but disorganized) I feel like it’s a slow drain on my energies. (y’know the type) but like I said, her life is absolute chaos of lawyers, shitty ex baby daddy, 2 jobs, 13 day weeks etc etc. It’s difficult to work with but I only work with her for 6-8 hours. That’s her LIFE. She’s really holding it together and it’s never personal attacks on me or my safety or well being so I try to think of it more like “I hope she gets better” rather than “She’s insufferable” I, really, honestly, could not do what she does. and I respect that if nothing else.

Home life is okay. There’s bad days, there will always be bad days, but I’m trying to spend more time with Ellie when I have time with her. Like if I’m roasting something in the oven for dinner, we’ll go play in her room for 20 minutes while Pam plays on her phone or watches T.V. I’m kinda at the point where that’s a losing battle to me and I’d rather just do what I can for Ellie than worry about anything else.

Choose Your Battles. There’s a life lesson from my 20’s that I’ll carry with me for as long as I live. That’s kinda my way of dealing with The Grill too.

Although I got my Super the other day when she texted me asking how the day went and I was like “Chef was chef so it was a good day” and she’s like “so she was angry” and I was like “Keep in mind you set the bar for anger and you set it pretty damn high so no, she was chill and happy by comparison” to which she replied “Ouch lmao”

I’m… slowly… finding comfort with my identity. I don’t know what that means or how long it will last, there’s always growth on the horizon but for now I’m enjoying… knowing… who I am.