I Can't Breathe in These Foolish Things

I’m back home in my apartment now, after spending the last couple of days with my parents, about to walk the dog for her last walk of the evening as curfew begins at 7pm. The curfew lasts until 6am and I’m so lucky that Martini can hold her bodily functions really, really well.

I can’t help having a paralyzed feeling for many, many, many reasons right now. First, with the country divided, up in arms, sad, horrified, angry, etc. I don’t imagine there is a single person in the United States who doesn’t have a strong, strong emotional response from this. I was pleased to hear that the charges of the police officer who murdered George Floyd was “upgraded” (for lack of a better term) to 2nd degree murder and the other three officers were finally charged and implicated in the crime, but I know that this is the beginning of a long and winding road to major change.

The change has just begun to start. Yet other issues remain, like a suffocating wet rag…

Covid. I don’t imagine there is a single person in the WORLD who doesn’t have a strong response about this. My city, while not yet seeing a spike after partially opening up (though is still seeing the highest numbers EVER), might see one in a matter of days. Hell, even my mugging was only a week ago. Who knows if the guy who attacked me has it - or the woman who helped me or the police officers or the paramedics?

THEN, from a professional standpoint. I am feeling beyond unsure about the future there. And yes, I can take a quick sigh knowing my job awaits me in a week and a half, but I’m so anxious about going back knowing that it’s not the place for me anymore.

And lastly, from a personal/relationship standpoint, I am absolutely STARVED for affection, touch, understanding, just…everything. Really, maybe it’s just knowing that there’s someone out there, looking into the tear-gassed sky above this city, knowing there’s someone out there.

Right now, I’m choking. My vision is foggy. I never thought I’d be at this point in my life and feeling so very hazy about the future. And of course, the fact that I feel GUILTY about feeling sorry for myself. I feel guilty for getting out of town for a couple of days (though a few of my neighbors did as well and others are holed up in their own apartments). I feel the pressure to be doing so much more than I am doing at this moment. I am doing my best to listen and learn and be an ear for all of my black friends (and frankly, most of them are doing the same thing I am - staying as physically far from the riff raff as they can!). I am reading, watching, learning as much as I can.

I know the dust will settle and the sky will clear someday. But when? The helicopters are circling and I gotta go let the dog out…
GS