Ever have a story that isn't very flattering, but you really want to share it anyway? Yeah...I kinda have one of those situations going on. And, naturally, it's about a boy. His name is Noah, and I think I have a bit of a crush on him.
I don't know Noah very well. We met at a bar, which I know is completely unflattering but, well, I guess it just kinda is what it is. I had just moved to the area and had only been in town for a week. I met my friend Tim the day that I moved into my rental apartment. He resides in the apartment right next to me - I have Apartment 6, Tim has 'lucky' Apartment 7. He saw me and my mother trying to drag the frame to my double bed up the cement steps to get it into my new apartment, and Tim came running out to help. He's a sweet guy, rail thin with dark brown hair that he keeps short and gelled (it has some curl to it and I can kinda tell that he hates the curls, so he keeps his hair very short, tight and neat), pale skin and huge, dark brown doe-eyes. I find Tim attractive, but not "lets pursue this dark-eyed boy" sort of attraction. I just think he's nice to look at. :)
So, I had been in town for a week. I want to keep this entire diary as anonymous as possible, so I'm going to call the town Denver, even though I don't live anywhere even remotely close to Denver. All the people whom I mention here are given fictitious names, by the way. And I'm rambling again...
Right. I was brand new in town. Tim told me that he's a bar tender and suggested that I stop by the place that he bartends at to have a drink and do some socializing.
"The place is a dump, but it's safe," Tim shrugged. "I make a mean drink. As strong or as light as you want. And if you feel nervous because you don't know anyone, here's my phone number - just drop me a text and I'll walk through the parking lot with you. I mean, don't get me wrong! I think it's a safe enough spot, but, the parking lot's not well lit, so, I don't want you to feel nervous."
That was over a year ago. Tim's been my best friend around Denver ever since.
I spent my first night in Denver sleeping on my bed, surrounded by boxes. I spent my first official day in Denver unpacking with my mother. After we had everything unpacked and put away I had dinner with my mother, drove her to the airport (she and my Dad live in Chicago), and went to the bar that Tim was bar tending at to say hello and unwind with a cocktail.
Tim's a popular guy. He has charisma, and a very sweet, "boy next door" feel to him. He also has a tendency to be his own worst enemy. He doesn't get himself in too much trouble - just enough to make me shake my head ruefully or laugh at his dumb-ass moments. Despite Tim's tendency to get himself in a bit of hot water, usually by dating multiple women (he's always honest when he's dating multiple women - all of the girls know that he's dating other people as well as them, they just try to tie him down anyway and then they get pissed off when he won't commit to them), or by drinking entirely too much alcohol (like the night he fell over the railing of his friend's apartment, plunged two stories and landed on some flat, dense, scrubby looking bushes. The bushes broke Tim's fall so perfectly that he walked away with some minor scratches and muscle aches from landing flat on his back, and that's it! The guy's like a cartoon character!).
Because Tim is charismatic and has a good amount of social skills, people like to hang out with him. He has a crowd of 'regulars' whom he has collected inadvertently over the years. The first time that I went to Tim's bar he introduced me to a few of the regulars. One of the regulars is a guy named Noah. I met Noah during my very first night at Tim's bar. Noah was sitting at the bar alone at the time, chatting away to Tim. I walked in. Tim glanced up to see who walked in, and when he saw me he beamed.
"Hailey!" he grinned. "Hi! Come in! Come sit down."
I beamed right back at Tim. Somehow Tim and I had become instant friends - I can't quite explain why or how, except to say that somehow we just seem to be on the same wavelength. We click. And it felt good to feel like I'd already made a friend in my new town.
"Thanks," I smiled. Tim gestured to the guy that he had been chatting to.
"Hailey, this is my friend, Noah. Noah, this is my new friend and brand new neighbor, Hailey."
Noah turned to me and gave me a friendly smile. I found myself looking into a pair of big dark eyes that were peering out at me from beneath the bill of a Bronco's baseball hat. Noah had broad shoulders and was a little soft in the middle. His hairline was so neat that it looked like he'd just had a hair cut.
"Hi!" he said in a chipper tone of voice. "Nice to meet you, Hailey."
Noah held his hand out to me for a handshake. I took it. He has large hands but his touch was very gentle.
"Nice to meet you, too," I smiled.
I was instantly drawn to Noah. I couldn't put my finger on why. He's cute enough - I love his broad shoulders and his big, dark eyes. It's definitely Noah's eyes...that's what I'm so drawn to. It's not just the shape or the color or the long, dreamy dark lashes that he has; it's the way his eyes are so expressive. I feel like I can read his mind like a book because his eyes give away every little thought and feeling that he has. Over the past fifteen months or so other women have talked about how pretty Noah's eyes are. They're definitely his best physical feature.
"So - what brings you to Denver?" Noah asked me.
"Oh, I have a boyfriend who moved out here for a job, so, I decided to transfer here, too," I shrugged.
"Oh, that's cool!" Noah nodded. "Yeah, I followed a girl out here from Arizona. The relationship didn't last, but I fell in love with Denver and decided to stay."
"I can see why," I nodded.
We made small talk and Tim made us some very stiff drinks. Three hours and three drinks later I was feeling slightly buzzed.
"I think I better call a cab," I sighed. "I can't drive now."
Noah frowned a little.
"Are you sure? The apartment complex is like, six blocks away, right?"
"Yeah," I nodded.
"Wanna walk? I'll walk with you," Noah offered.
"Are you sure?" I asked. "Do you live far?"
"Not at all. I live in the apartments that are two blocks down from yours. So, really, your place is on my way home anyway. And since I've had four of these guys, and this fucker makes them strong..." Noah trailed off and nodded at Tim, "...I'm not driving, either. Our cars are safe. The guy who owns this bar is cool, he doesn't tow people."
Noah walked me back to my apartment that night. He even walked up the stairs with me and made sure that I was able to unlock the door and get in safely. He was a perfect gentleman as he gave me a polite nod and said goodnight.
I started seeing Noah around Tim's bar on a regular basis. I liked Tim's company, and after a couple of months he started inviting me to go with him to house parties and dinners and to watch his room mate play basketball on a city league. Noah was always my favorite person to find around the bar. I'd go there to see Tim, but whenever I'd see Noah I could feel my face light up. I only really ever saw Noah at the bar, and, unfortunately, most of the time...towards the beginning of my life here in Denver...whenever I'd see Noah, he'd be drunk. Noah was usually a fairly harmless drunk - he'd just start slurring his words ever so slightly and he'd get a massive case of motor mouth, babbling away to everyone in sight. Once in a while, though, Noah will turn moody when he's drunk. It'll happen out of nowhere: he'll have a few drinks, he'll be chatting away, then he'll have that one drink that pushes him over the edge of 'buzzed' and well into the drunk zone, and he'll turn very quiet and almost sad. Usually by then he'll get up, pay his tab, not even bother to finish the drink that put him over the edge, and he'll wordlessly leave the bar and walk home.
The first time I saw Noah turn sullen I didn't know him very well, so I wasn't sure if I should approach him or not. Instead I watched him from across the bar (it was crowded that night so by the time I showed up there weren't any open seats where Noah had planted himself), and waited to see if he'd look up at me so I could give him a friendly wave. Noah didn't look up from his glass. Instead he nursed his drink for about fifteen minutes while fiddling around on his smart phone. Then he stood up, tossed a twenty dollar bill onto the bar and hiked up his pants a little.
"You outta here, man?" Tim asked him. Noah didn't even crack a smile. Instead he just nodded a little, sighed, then walked out. Tim and I watched Noah trip over his own feet, just a little, before exiting the building. "Yup," Tim nodded. "He's drunk."
"He shouldn't be walking home if he's drunk," I frowned.
"I agree," Tim nodded.
"Here - take my credit card. I'll be right back. I'm just going to see if Noah will let me give him a ride home..."
I trotted outside and caught up with Noah in the parking lot. He was walking slowly, not completely steady on his feet.
"Hey, Noah!" I called out to him. Noah stopped and turned around. When he saw me trotting towards him he gave me a look of complete surprise. "Do you want a ride?" I offered. "I've only had half of a drink."
"Nah, I'm fine," Noah muttered, waving me off.
"Please?" I asked, putting a hand on Noah's shoulder. He paused when I touched him and looked at my hand on his shoulder. I knew he wasn't offended so I didn't remove my hand right away. "Please, let me drive you home," I said. "It's not safe out here at night. I don't want anyone to bother you."
Noah looked at me in a way that caught me by surprise. It was a tender sort of look. I found myself hoping that the look was simply an alcohol induced haze.
"Okay," Noah nodded. "That'd be great!"
So I drove Noah to his apartment, then I followed him up three flights of stairs to make sure that he didn't fall backwards (yeah, he was that drunk). When he got to his apartment Noah teetered ever so slightly on his feet. Then he leaned in and gave me a sloppy drunken hug that nearly bowled me over.
"Thanks for the ride," he mumbled.
"Mmph," I replied, my face crammed into one of Noah's broad shoulders. I pulled away and grinned at him. "You're welcome. Drink some water before you go to bed."
"Yeah, really," he nodded. For a moment Noah gazed into my eyes. I glanced away.
"I better go back to the bar. I left my credit card with Tim and while I trust him, I don't want Josh or anyone else to find it," I grinned.
"Good idea," Noah nodded.
After that, once in a while Noah would get a little too tipsy and ask me for a ride back to his apartment. That was fine by me - we were casual friends, and I would much rather drive Noah back to his place when he's tipsy than let him stagger home and risk being mugged or arrested. I took Noah back to his apartment maybe half a dozen times or so over a time span of about nine months. One night he was exceptionally emotional, and when I walked him to his apartment he turned and said,
"I know you have a boyfriend, but, will you come inside for just a minute? Have a beer and a chat? I really don't want to be alone right now."
There was so much sadness in Noah's eyes that I crumbled. I went into his apartment. He grabbed a couple of beers and we sat on his couch. As soon as Noah sat down he handed me a beer, sighed into his own beer bottle and said,
"Do you remember Wyatt?"
"I think so," I nodded. "Your room mate, right?"
"Wyatt killed himself."
"What?!"
"He shot himself. In his car. I dunno exactly when he did it, but, I found him this morning."
"Oh my God, Noah...."
I put my beer down and put my arms around Noah. He broke down and sobbed. The kind of heart-wrenching sobs that can only come from someone who's grieving hard. I didn't want to leave Noah alone that night. I asked him if he had any family in town that he could stay with.
"I don't speak to my family," Noah told me.
Um, wow.
"I see..." I said softly. Noah and I sat there in silence for a moment, then I finally said, "You can stay on my couch tonight, if you want?" Noah looked at me with the saddest look I've ever seen. He seemed like he was very much alone.
Noah spent the night on my couch. Again he was a perfect gentleman. He gave me another sloppy, drunken hug good night. I heard him get up three times to puke and I got up just to give him another blanket and to put a glass of water on the coffee table by the couch. In the morning he was still asleep. I had to go to work, so I left Noah a note that told him where I hid my spare key to the apartment. Go ahead and let yourself out when you're ready, I wrote. Stay as long as you like, help yourself to the shower and the kitchen and the TV and whatever else you want, and call me if you need anything.
When I got home that day Noah was gone. I didn't see him for nearly two weeks, which was highly unusual. I asked Tim if he'd seen Noah around.
"No," he frowned, shaking his head. "I'm kinda worried about the guy. He hasn't been answering his texts or calls, either."
"Really?" I frowned.
"Yeah. Noah's kind of a moody guy, though, so I thought maybe he's just in one of his funks."
"Did you hear about his room mate?"
"No," Tim said, frowning again. "Did he move out or something?"
"He killed himself."
"What?!!"
I told Tim the story that Noah had told me. By the time I was done, Tim told me he was definitely concerned. So I paid my tab and I told Tim that I was going to Noah's apartment to knock on his door and see if he would answer.
Noah answered. He looked like he'd been sleeping. He was unsteady on his feet again, and he smelled like beer.
"Hailey?" he frowned. "What's up?"
"What's up with you?" I asked in response. "I haven't seen you in a couple of weeks. Tim says you haven't been answering calls or texts. I know what happened with Wyatt, and I'm worried about you."
Noah asked me to come in. His apartment was a mess. He apologized for the mess, and told me that he was struggling to get through everything since Wyatt had been gone. They weren't even super close friends, but c'mon, how could something like that not be traumatic.
Noah and I talked for a while before I had to turn in for the night and go to work in the morning. I told him to get in touch with Tim, because I'd spilled the beans about Wyatt and now Tim was definitely concerned. Noah thanked me for checking in on him. He gave me a hug, a long, warm hug that felt really good. I was still dating someone else at the time, but I decided to be selfish: I held Noah for an extra long time. He pulled back a little, tilted my chin up and kissed me. I froze. I didn't push him away though, and for a second I melted into his kiss. I pulled away, immediately feeling guilty.
"Noah, I can't do this," I told him.
"Sure you can," he nodded. "You can do anything that you want to do." He still had his arms around me. I wiggled free from his embrace.
"No, I can't do this," I told him, shaking my head. "I have a boyfriend. This isn't right."
"Then let me be your boyfriend," Noah said, reaching for me again. I took a step back.
"Noah..."
"Hailey..." Noah replied. "I've been thinking about this a lot. I love being around you. I really do. And I'll do anything to be able to be around you more often, as often as possible. Please, just...come be my girl."
In that moment I hated myself. I felt like I'd completely lead Noah on. I felt like I took advantage of Noah while he was feeling vulnerable. I felt like I'd completely betrayed my boyfriend, even if we were on the verge of breaking up anyway (and Noah had nothing to do with that breaking up situation, either). I knew that I had no business being in Noah's apartment a second longer.
So, I left.
Noah followed me out.
"Hailey!" he called after me. "Hailey, wait, please wait."
I stopped. I shouldn't have stopped, but I did. I stopped because I'm drawn to Noah, and I know I'm attracted to him, and I was too selfish to take myself away from the situation. Noah took me by the hand and poured his heart out to me. He told me that I'm the sweetest girl he's ever met, and that ever since the day we met he hadn't been able to stop thinking about me. He told me that he went out of his way to look for me, if only to chat. He told me that he wants me to be happy, but the 'selfish asshole' side of him was secretly hoping that I'd dump my boyfriend and maybe consider dating him.
"And I know it's wrong and selfish, and I know I sound like a prick, but Hailey - I have never felt such a strong urge to be around someone before. I'm thirty-three years old, I had my first girlfriend when I was thirteen, I date around quite a bit and you're the only girl I've ever been this stuck on." He paused, took a deep breath, gave me a pleading look and said, "Just, give me a chance. I know I'm begging. I don't know what else to do. Just...please, come be with me."
I was stunned. I found myself staring into Noah's eyes, those big, dark, expressive eyes that I'm so completely drawn to. He looked so vulnerable standing there under the street light, holding me by the hand, begging me to stay...it was killing me.
I wavered a little.
Then my brain kicked in and I realized that by letting Noah hold my hand and beg me to stay with him, I was leading him on. Toying with him. I was treating him horribly. I was being despicable. I had a boyfriend. Even if I agreed to stay with Noah and dump my boyfriend, I risked treating Noah like a rebound.
How could I treat Noah that way?
I felt tears well up in my eyes.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, shaking my head. I pulled my hand away from him and walked to my car. I walked at a fast pace, nearly trotting. I glanced over my shoulder just in time to see Noah hang his head, then turn and slowly trudge back towards his apartment.
That was four months ago.
Since that incident, I've only seen Noah twice. Both times I was at Tim's bar when Noah walked in just to say hello. Both times Noah seemed bright-eyed and chipper, and he only had two drinks before going home. The last time I saw Noah was on Superbowl Sunday.
"Hello, Hailey!" he chirped. He reached out and gave me a friendly hug. "How've you been?"
"Good," I nodded. I could feel myself beaming at Noah. "Good to see you!"
"Thanks, you too," Noah nodded. "It's been a while, hasn't it? At least a month or so?"
"Yeah. I've been wondering where you've been."
"Really??" Noah asked. He slid onto the bar stool next to me. "Still dating that guy?" Noah asked. At this point I knew that Noah could tell that I'm attracted to him.
"Yeah," I nodded. "We broke up for a couple of weeks but we've been seeing each other again."
Disappointment flashed in Noah's eyes. He brushed it off, nodded and said,
"I see. Well, good for you!"
We made small talk - it wasn't awkward, though. Things never feel awkward or strained between Noah and I, no matter how many potentially awkward moments we've had. When he finished up his drink Noah told me that he had to get going.
"Already?" I pouted. Noah's smile went from chipper to warm.
"Working two jobs," he shrugged.
"Really?? Where?"
"I bar tend at the D-Bar that's eight blocks down the road, and I work at a restaurant for the benefits. Between the two jobs I'm making bank."
"Good for you!" I grinned. "Wow, busy guy. No wonder I never see you around anymore."
"Yeah, well..." Noah shrugged. "Now you know where to find me."
"I'll stop by and have a drink some time," I nodded. Noah looked at me for a lingering moment, smiled a little and said,
"Sounds good, Hailey. I'd like that."
I haven't stopped by the D-bar yet to see Noah. I haven't stopped by because my boyfriend and I have been on the outs again, and I didn't want to use Noah as a way to bolster my self-esteem while I was feeling low.
Three days ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. I broke up with him. It happened six months later than it should have, so I'm not feeling all that low anymore.
Ever since breaking up with my now ex-boyfriend, I haven't been able to stop thinking about Noah. I know this smacks of rebound, but I just...I'm tired of resisting. I won't rush into anything, I just want the chance to get to know Noah better.
So, I asked Tim if he had Noah's phone number. Tim did. He gave it to me. Tim added: I swear to you that I normally don't give out people's phone numbers, but, Noah will be ecstatic if you call him.
I wasn't sure about the 'ecstatic' part, but I figured that Noah wouldn't mind me calling him.
Well, okay, so I sent him a text.
Right off the bat Noah asked me how I've been. Then he asked me if I was still dating my boyfriend. I told him that my boyfriend and I had broken up. Noah gave me his condolences and asked me if I'm okay. I told him that I'm very okay. Noah then said, Please don't interpret this as me jumping on you the minute you're single, but, as a friend - and I do mean as a friend, and as someone who deeply appreciated you being there when I needed a friend - you can come talk to me any time, alright? I'd love to chat sometime. No pressure, no begging. Promise!
I'm going to the D-bar tomorrow night after work. I don't know if it's a good idea or not. All I know is that tomorrow night, for the first time since we've met over a year ago, I'll be able to talk to Noah without feeling the slightest bit guilty or without having to tread carefully. I can just relax and talk to the guy. For as long as we've known each other, and for all that we've been through, I really don't know much about Noah. And at this point, all I want to do is get to know him better. As a friend. As a friend who makes me grin from ear-to-ear just from thinking about him.
(sigh)
I hope I don't screw this up somehow...
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