*I am still doing my best to keep moving forward. That is really all I can do, I know that. Life keeps hitting me with new struggles, but they are really nothing compared to the worst that I have been through. I am forever waiting for my life to hit a calm period. I crave a calm period, yet also fear it in a way. Will I know what to do if I ever get a calm moment in my life? Or will I panic and cause chaos just to feel normal? I hope by then, I’ve learned I don’t need chaos to be happy. Chaos is exhausting. *
I have been better at communicating with my boyfriend. That is new to me, but he is receptive. He understands and continues to be patient with me. He continues to amaze me with his patience. He wants me to tell him when something is on my mind, even if I think its stupid. He doesn’t care. I do still at times think I jumped into a relationship far too soon, but he is so good to me and good for me. He wants me to be my own person, he pushes for me to be my own person. He welcomes me having a differing opinion than him. He is careful to make sure I don’t feel crowded by him. I want to go on a vacation to my favorite place alone. I told him that. But I also told him that I want him and his son to go with me. Because they have never been there. So he has been kind of planning that with me. But he keeps asking me if I am sure I want them to go with me, because he knows I do want to go alone at some point. I am just thankful that I got lucky with him. With someone that truly cares about how I feel and what I want. I feel important in this relationship. I never really had that before.
When we first started officially dating, I had a lot that I was learning. A lot that I wasn’t used to and didn’t know about dating or relationships, well healthy relationships. He celebrated every small thing I overcame. One thing in particular; I never walked WITH him, I always walked behind him. I didn’t even notice. But he did. He was always reaching for my hand so I would walk with him. One day he commented on it, pointing it out to me. In that moment I realized, I never walked with my ex but always behind him. I don’t even know at what point that started. But it spoke volumes about the type of relationship I had with my ex. I was made to feel like I needed to walk behind him instead of with him. Well one night we went to the movies, me and my bf. I walked WITH him, not behind him, and without him reminding me to walk with him. He was so happy. I didn’t even notice I walked with him and that is why he was so happy. I broke a habit. I started a new healthy habit. He never fails to tell me that I have grown so much since he met me.
He just makes me feel so lucky.
Whenever I start to feel down because of what I have been through with my ex or in life in general, I start to remind myself of the things I have accomplished or things I can do on my own or without permission, even small things. Tonight, I celebrated the fact that before work I was able to get a burger and an ice cream cone without feeling afraid of the consequences from my ex. I AM MY OWN PERSON WITH MY OWN MONEY THAT I CAN SPEND AS I PLEASE. That being said, I have had to learn to be more responsible with my own money but I celebrate that too. I bought my very own car, FROM A DEALERSHIP. Now that may not seem like any big thing to most people. Big deal right?! Well to me it is a big deal. My ex told me I would never be allowed to buy a car from a dealership, let alone pick out the car I was going to buy. When we talked about me needing a new car, I was only allowed to look at the cars he approved me buying. I couldn’t get what I wanted. Even though he could get whatever the fuck he wanted. So i celebrate me buying my own car from a dealership like I won the fucking lottery. I picked it out. I signed the papers. I make the payments. All on my own.
A lot of the days, celebrating all these little things and big things are what get me through to the next day.
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