It has been a while now since I left my marriage. I filed for divorce last summer and it was finalized in December.
My life was and has been a complete whirlwind. It hasn’t slowed down even for a second so I can catch my breath.
I have been struggling lately. With a lot. I am having a hard time coping with my life now. I am almost 30 and I live with my mother. Not where I thought I would be at this age. But I have to remind myself, I am not here because I failed. I didn’t fail. I succeeded. I am alive. I am free.
I can’t stop thinking about him. Why does he get to be happy? Why does he get to live as though he did nothing wrong? Why doesn’t he have any short comings in his life right now? It doesn’t seem fair that he gets to be happy. Not after the things he has done. How does such a terrible person, get to live a happy and healthy life? When will his karma come for him?
That is what I struggle with.
I had to give up everything and start over from scratch. I got myself into a tremendous amount of debt leaving him. I lost my family (his side), my home, the life I knew. I got stuck living with a roommate from hell, until I couldn’t take it any longer and decided to move in with my mother. Which isn’t great either. All the while, he gets to happily live in the home we bought together. His life is unchanged. Essentially. All that is different is that I am not in it. His life didn’t change all that much.
I guess I am almost jealous that his life is practically unchanged. But I also guess that just shows, he never truly loved me. If he could just move on without any hiccup. He got a new gf before I had even moved out. Which I know I was seeing someone but, it feels different. I had tried to fix our marriage for years. I was the one that was neglected and abused. My heart had stopped being his a long time ago. He did that, not me. He cried to me everyday, begging me to stay. All while sexting other women and I am sure hooking up with some. Then had the audacity to tell me never to ‘cheat’ on another man because it hurt him so bad. He stopped being faithful to me while we were in high school. But I sat there and let him make me feel bad for moving on.
I need to take a break. When I get going on these rants, I get so angry. I hate the way these thoughts make me feel.
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