They say a dog can only love unconditionally. A dog that was conditioned by people who were mean to it will avoid any and all, and will lash out at those that approach. It will be starving, hurting, and mad. With some certainty I can state that I am no dog, yet still find such experience relatable. […]
Another aspect of animal nature I have observed - and which has become an axiom to me - is that it is often not strength or weakness that matter, but the implication of either. To show weakness is to be weak, to show strength – to be strong. Since I consider these very words I write a display of weakness, to write them, much less share them, is in effect an excercise in masochism for which I have no affinity. However, I find it is hardly possible to be objective about a subject when the facts are all confined entirely within a single mind. […]
Not that there were some extraordinary circumstances that led to my condition, except the usual unique set of choices and consequences of everyone involved. In that regard, my life was hardly remarkable. Like most, I was born to breed, then abandoned to rationalise existence, and, when offered the obvious option to recess into the pleasant boundaries of the established order, I made the only sane choice. […]
[…] I hold no grudges, bear no ill will, and try my best not to judge without reason. Still, my nature betrays me. From every soul a part of me expects malice, a part of me which I cannot subdue, nor conceal. It is percieved as prejudice and disillusionment, and it becomes those things, and more, twisted and painful, rooted too deep to weed out. These things that I know are not me, not who I am - for would I despise them so, were they my true self - yet still they define me, represent me, guide my behavior and action. To appear acceptable is to act, and years show – I am no performer. […]
It is only alone when I get to be myself.
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