Childish Sweet Nothings in Change is Brewing

I write this today to acknowledge that I am deteriorating. I can feel how pieces of my personality are disappearing. I am changing.

Some days it feels so natural to change. I’m growing up, I’m shifting into who I am going to be for the rest of my life. Some days its the most unnatural feeling knowing that ill never be who I was 5 years ago. It brings me mountains of fear because back then I built my confidence on a mild drug addiction. And once you strip the addiction away you’re left with nothing. Only a shell of remembrance for who you once were.

I was one of the lucky ones who fought addiction without rehab, without God. I found my own strength to fight what was hurting me (with the help of my beloved Tom). Maybe thats why this is so unexpected. Its taken 5 years to strip away the psychological damage I gifted myself. Its taken 5 years to come to terms with losing the confidence that kept me going. Its taken 5 years for me to realize that stripping all of this out of me has turned me into a child again. A child that lacks the ability to make genuine connections, to form strong friendships and relationships with new people. Heck, I’ve lost my ability to communicate on a deeper level in general.

It makes me wonder if they tell you this in rehab. Do they teach you how to cope or do they just sway you into believing in God to solve all your problems? … I’ve always hated that notion. I believe that when it comes to addiction you need some serious self love and strength to get through it. If you put all that love in God and bypass your own needs you’re only masking the problem, you’re not fixing it. If life fails you (which it probably will at some point) you lose your faith in God and go straight down the rabbit hole again. I’ve seen it countless times and it breaks heart. I hate religion.

So maybe its not deterioration that I’m feeling … maybe its growth. Letting go of the old to begin anew. What did Stephan King once say? - destruction often leads to the creation of something even more powerful and oh so beautiful.

I’m so ready.