Unfriended in Life

Another chapter in the identity crisis series. Gawd I’m so fucking dramatic sometimes. Really, only here. But I suppose that’s an outlet that I need. Probably not helping the whole “who am I” question as I’m a different person depending who I’m around or who I’m talking to but I think we all do that to some sort.

Anyway after thinking about Rebecca and how I immaturely threw away a potentially great friend it made me start to look back on other friends.

To me, throwing away friends is nothing new. I’m very passionately an advocate of getting rid of toxic people in your life but with that there are some proximal(?) casualties. And I think there’s a lot that has happened to me in the past 5 years that I recognize as things I’ve done to other people in my past.

A great example is that with Pam and the baby and the quarantine, my identity has become very… domestic. And one of Rebecca’s biggest complaints was that she felt domesticated. Something that, in the moment I thought was just immature because growing up is a level of domestication. Oh boy do I get it now. There’s gotta be more than just domestication. At least for me.

But still, looking back at old friends there’s… not regret… but a longing to re-connect with some people and I’m not sure why or if it’d be benificial to either party. I recently reconnected with an old band-mate of Rebecca’s and that kinda sparked the idea of people returning to other peoples lives and there’s a lot of trepidition in what one gains from it.

Y’know, am I looking for closure? or am I looking for renewal?

I’ve found that when I go back, or when people re-find me, it’s more commonly just awkward and the ole’ “Hey what’s new with you, oh, cool…” sort of conversation that’s more of an update that the depth of friendship I expect.

Also after leaving the kitchen and losing pretty much everyone from that ‘family’ of friends I’m left, really, without friends of depth. I have surface level friends whom I talk to online, or in games on PS4 (ARK Survival Evolved) but being in lock-down and limited in reach to new people, I’m really confused about if I’m actually as introvert as I thought or if I’m extrovert and I just need to learn how to channel those energies into something that I can enjoy but without stressing myself out or burning myself out.

Who the fuck am I?