Revulsion. in Once more, with feeling...
- May 25, 2020, 6:11 p.m.
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- Public
I’m noticing lately that I’m actually experiencing disgust at “normal” relationship stuff I see on Facebook. Memes and such, you know, things that say, with really poor spelling and grammar, something like, “Grab her by the throat, kiss the fuck out of her, and say “You know you’re mine, right?”” Like… ew? That last bit. “Mine.” I shudder at the word. I’m repulsed by it, by the concept behind it. The idea of belonging to someone, anyone, any single person, is just revolting.
Basically, the concept behind every relationship I’ve ever had (with the exception of one), the idea of monogamy, of “belonging” to someone, of hearing those words, “You are mine,” has become a foreign concept to me. I can’t imagine ever being in that kind of relationship again. So oppressive, suffocating. It wasn’t just the other person that caused me intense anxiety, it was the fact of being in a relationship at all that caused the worst of it. I remember feeling like I always had to be “on” in some way. I had to play this part, this role, I had to be this wife and this mother in the ways that I was taught growing up. I had to be “normal” and conventional. It wasn’t the other person putting that pressure on me, exactly. It was me. I was doing it to myself and constantly failing and feeling like a failure because I was trying to be something I’m just fucking not.
I am not a thing to be owned, possessed. I am not something that requires leashing or sheltering. I do not need a cage. I am not a thing.
And so these things I see my girlfriends post on Facebook… they enrage me, to be honest. Okay, maybe enrage is a strong word. They really, really upset me, though. I try to tell these women that they don’t have to be that way, they don’t have to “stick around and give him time to change because that’s more than love.” What? Why the fuck should someone need time to change before becoming an acceptable partner? If they aren’t acceptable as they are, why wouldn’t you just move on and find another who doesn’t require fine tuning or whatever? Human beings aren’t broken clocks you pick up at a garage sale and tinker with until they start ticking again. What the fuck?
And also, ladies, he hasn’t changed. I assure you. He hasn’t and he won’t. If he fucked you over one time, he’ll fuck you over again. If he fucked you over twice and you forgave both times, a third time is guaranteed, carved in stone, an absolutely certainty. The more you forgive, the less he’ll respect you, and the more he’ll fuck you over, again and again, because he knows you’ll just keep forgiving him. Forgiving someone over and over again when they haven’t changed their behavior only teaches them that there’s no need to change their behavior.
Anyway, that’s my rant for the day. Just wanted to get that off my chest.
Also, fuck COVID-19.
Alice in Chains ⋅ May 25, 2020
Three lives in a relationship. Yourself, your partner, and the one together. It is not entirely your job to take care of yourself, but gosh, sometimes, you have to. Ideally, there is some average between all three. Sometimes our partner is down on their luck, so you help them, and other times, they help you.
Meet in the middle.
Not sure how this relates. I'm sorry. I have an odd head-space.
🌈 JustWillow 🦄 Alice in Chains ⋅ May 26, 2020
It relates! Perhaps I am in the same odd head-space :)
You're absolutely correct. Three lives in a relationship, and I think it's incredibly important to acknowledge and respect all three. I am very independent and self-sufficient. I know what I need and want and what I don't need and want. I know what I want out of the life that is the relationship - complete freedom, total autonomy, no expectations, no demands. I won't put any expectations or demands on it and I expect the other person in the relationship not to, either.
So many people go into relationships thinking they are going to help or save another person, or be helped/saved by them. I see a lot of "I wish I was enough" and it's infuriating. There is no being "enough" for someone. It's ridiculous. We all need more than one person in our lives. This one person is not going to be the one thing that magically cures all of life's ills. It's a ludicrous expectation to have and a cruel thing to demand of another person.
Yes, partners in a relationship can be supportive and helpful of one another. As long as neither is actively trying to be the one thing that "saves" the other.
See? Odd head-space.
Alice in Chains 🌈 JustWillow 🦄 ⋅ May 26, 2020
I don't see it as odd at all. Quite logical.
At times, I have been the Savior. Other times, the To Be Saved.
A good relationship is.... balance. Like I said.
It is like my Grandma used to say. Maybe she still does. "All things in moderation - including moderation."
caramelchicken ⋅ May 25, 2020 (edited May 25, 2020)
Edited
"Why the fuck should someone need time to change before becoming an acceptable partner? If they aren’t acceptable as they are, why wouldn’t you just move on and find another who doesn’t require fine tuning or whatever? Human beings aren’t broken clocks you pick up at a garage sale and tinker with until they start ticking again. What the fuck?"
I love this so much. Your rant should be turned into a meme!
But I think there's a lot of people who are just too afraid of being alone and/or have shit self esteem as to why they stay in less than great relationships.
AND I think women in general have their shit together more than men. So it's objectively not that easy to find someone who doesn't need "fine tuning".
🌈 JustWillow 🦄 caramelchicken ⋅ May 26, 2020
Thank you!
And yes, I think the thing I see people struggling with the most is self-esteem and self-validation. They don't think of themselves as a complete human being all on their own so much as thinking they need someone to complete them in some way, as if they are missing pieces that can only be filled with another's presence.
I am finding it downright impossible to "find a man" (not that I'm actively looking) that would make an acceptable partner for myself exactly because I have all my shit together and I'm not about to settle for someone who doesn't. I am also non-monogamous, which most men that I've come across find distasteful. They aren't interested if they can't piss on my leg and lay claim to me.