I forgot how good it feels to take walks after dinner. When my soon-to-be ex-husband were on a break, I walked every night for at least an hour. I needed it; it was the only thing that could calm my anxiety. And then it turned into a way for Clay and I to talk about our days. I did a couple of walks the first week that I moved into my new apartment, but I was so used to walking with Clay that it felt like something was missing. And my anxiety level wasn’t high enough that I felt like I needed it to calm myself down physically.
Tonight, I walked. I didn’t feel particularly anxious about anything. But it helped to quiet my mind. I forgot how much walking in circles around my apartment complex can bring me back to the present and be meditative in a way. It’s very different from walking through the neighborhoods or to the community center. I should really make it a habit to do this every night.
In other news, I can’t stop listening to 2016 by Sam Hunt. It brings back all of the feels and just makes me think back to where I was in 2016 and where Clay and I were together. I don’t feel like I had enough time with the man I married. But he turned into someone else and that’s out of my control. I was going through my Google Photos last night, cleaning out photos of us and him towards which I didn’t feel anything. There were very few pictures that I decided to keep. In the majority of pictures that I looked at with him in it, it was like I didn’t even know that person. It was hard for me to look at a picture of someone that emotionally and spiritually, I didn’t recognize at all. No tears, no sad feelings, I just easily deleted them. I don’t want to be reminded of what was. I have the memories if I want to revisit them, and that’s good enough for me. I don’t need photos to force me to think back on something that didn’t come to mind on its own.
Everyday, including today, I’m just trying to make the best of everyday and focus on what makes me happy. Today, I got back into baking. I made caramel sauce for the first time. Cooking and baking has always been so interesting. It has a way of being anxiety inducing, while being calming at the same time. I feel so in my element when I’m baking. I was really scared the caramel wasn’t going to work when the melted sugar and butter weren’t mixing. But turns out, it just needed some more heat. And in the end, it was really gratifying that it not only turned out as caramel, but it tasted AMAZING. I have never had homemade caramel, and holy effing guacamole—it was like pure butter and sugar in my mouth. Now, I just need to figure out who I’m going to fatten up with these baked goodies, because I’m most certainly not going to fatten myself up… I’m on the hunt for a man.
The grief seems to be getting better everyday. And it gets better as I start to put the past to rest. First, it started with the physical items that held memories. Then, it was writing the marriage obituary. And finally, it’s archiving old photos. Is this it? Or is there more? The only thing left would be letting go of what little relationship we have left. I don’t feel ready to completely let go of that. I’m not sure I ever will be able to completely bury it. But I’m okay with the distance, with being family to someone I wouldn’t particularly be friends with. But as I let go of more of the past, I grieve less.
It sounds like “Surrender” by Natalie Taylor. I’m surrendering the memories, thoughts, and ideas of what was. I’m opening myself up to new opportunities and adventures that life throws at me.
Today, I feel: content, emotionally connected with myself and others, and physically lonely. I miss a good tight hug like it’s no one’s business. I have no idea who I’ll get a hug from when this shelter in place is over, but I WILL find someone to give me one.
I’m really grateful for my situation. As much as it hurt to go through this breakup, and as much as school has stressed me out over the last year. I strongly believe that I am exactly where I need to be. We all are, even when it seems like nothing is right. Something great will come from it, eventually. We just have to keep our heads up and believe that when we think we’re at our lowest, we’re really not. Because you haven’t hit rock bottom until you’re dead. And if you’re dead, you’re not thinking. I’ve had my share of lows. At this point, I’ve gotten through the lows, things are really looking up. The hard work over the last year has paid off. I’ve been accepted into a radiology program, and I’m single and looking forward to living a life that I want to envision for myself. This includes a family, great friends, a supportive community. All of it comes with time and effort. Unlike Clay, I know that great relationships take effort from both sides, and he has always put in 0 effort in friendships. I won’t let myself be on the other side of that. So, if he wants me as a friend, he’ll put in the same effort that my friends and I all put in for each other. That’s non-negotiable.
I have such an amazing sense of finally knowing my worth and sticking with it, not letting myself get walked on for fear of abandonment. It’s a work in progress, but it’s a great new feeling.
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