Like many other human beings, I would like to be seen as someone angelic, dependable, strong and capable. But I’m not. I’m cunning, selfish, petty and ugly. I created a facade in hopes that one day I might really be the type of human I tried to portray to be but it became my tool to manipulate people. I was unconsciously doing that at first, but now that I gradually got to know myself better I’m stuck in the same pattern that I set myself in and could not break free of.
Acquaintance, family, friends. They are all the same to me. Pawns I use. And people I can cast away once I don’t find use in them. And how am I able to do that? Because that’s what they did to me too. That is why I wanted to be seen as capable and dependable. So they won’t find me being useless to them anymore. The pure feeling of wanting to be wanted is what drives my enthusiasm. Sad but true. It’s the fear of being unwanted that leads to me throwing people away first before they got to do it before me. Thus they are all pawns to me.
Even if it is my mother. Though it may be mothers day and everyone is rushing to post their “care and love” for their mother even in this time when thousands of people are dying everywhere. I had no mood or feel the need what so ever to do a simple wish because I simply don’t feel so.
I can’t show care for someone who sticks by me when I’m seen as the last option. Background of me is that I have two other siblings and I am the youngest but I was initially unwanted and was supposed to die. Aborting me was initially the plan. I was only kept because it was still managable to have another member in but without me the family will be better off with more money to share around and the parents can enjoy earlier retirement. But with me more needed to be shared to cut the pie in even portion. That is why I tried really hard from young to take as little as possible. If my siblings receive 20 per week when young I would only take 10. If they took a 100 when they got older I would take 50 when I’m of the same age with them. Knowing fully well that a portion of their money had gone to their expenses of shopping and going out with friends. I kept mine to what I needed because I saw the bills they paid each month for my tuition and how much they actually earn each month. Yes true enough maintaining that good girl image had them thinking that “it is lucky that this child is well-behaved and it was not a waste to bring her to the world” but deep down I’m thinking “so what if I choose not to be good, does that means that I should have been dead?” Why can the other two siblings bring so much chaos into the family and be forgiven time and time again? Why does their little and normal accomplishment be so much celebrated compared to what I do daily? How is it that you are okay for them to not do any house chores just because they have always been not doing them and you are always instructing me to do it.
Now that the other two siblings have head-on in life and found their love partners. As parents, you joyfully celebrated their accomplishments and boast of all the fun times you have with the grandchild and the occasional times they bring you out for fun. Sure good for them whoopie dopy. But what do you do when hard time comes and you find things of unsatisfactory to you. Like how you are actually displeased by the partner that my older siblings have? Yes why of course. You will turn to me and bad mouth all the negativity to me. And I am expected to be there and be there to hear you out because I’m the only one left that is able to. No one heard me when you all are having fun times. Remember the time when I tried to speak but no one notices me when we are all out? I tried so hard to make a normal conversation with all of you but all your voices covered over mine. Then I made a choice. To never speak. And the funny thing is. Nothing changed when I never spoke. All of you continued. Then I realised, just like that. My spot of being wanted is taken. Years and years of concern and effort went down just like that. I’m not needed.
It is okay for me if I stayed like that all this way but what is cruel is how all of you acted as you needed me when something goes wrong and throw me away once again when things were okay. So don’t blame me if I wished for the divorce of my own parents, the argument of my own sister with the sister-in-law, the separation of my brother with his lover. Because it is only when all of you are unhappy will you finally notice the existence of me.
Then comes the arrival of the baby from my sister. To be honest my sister is capable to use the excitement that others have for her to plan out what she wants and needs. Friends that is excellent in planning trips, friends that are excellent in finding food and pub areas, the mom that is excellent in helping to take care of the house, baby and cooking. Sure I give it to you that women who are weak in the first year after the birth of the child and needs help with taking care of them. So naturally, the mom that spend the most time with me at home gradually visits my sister’s house more often and I got to see my mom lesser and lesser. But isn’t it natural for me to think that the situation will change after the child grew bigger and is more independent? But it looks more to me that you wanted to leave your idiotic husband (my dad) and just be a grandma in another home. It doesn’t help that my dad is a stupid man ego idoit that only listens to what he says. Yes, he is the type that does not wear a mask even if you told him to until the whole world is telling him to then he complies. I had to resort to the stage of kicking him out of the house if he does not listen to what I say but he still refuses to listen to me because he is the man of the house. I swear man are idiots. And when the whole world is telling him to wear and he finally wore he told me to wear a mask when I’m out… When it was me to have been telling him all along and he acted high and mighty that I had to listen to him …
And now with mother day drawing choose, did I finally hear from my mom. What now you want to remind me that the annual day of the year is close and you want to claim a validation that you did a good job from me? why don’t you seek that from the two other siblings you are so proud of and that grandchild you are so protective of? Who am I even to you. I’m pretty sure I’m an invisible human who is hiding in a corner cursing and hoping the worst end for everyone. Awaiting for the day to say “I told you so”
Loading comments...