I think i forgot about this site at some point.
Nowadays I journal the old-school way; pen and paper. I do this when i want to express feelings or thoughts to move through them therapeutically, instead of repressing them. Repression is something I have done for most of my life and it has always always lead me down the wrong path. I am not claiming to be emotionally free or perfect now. Who is? I don’t think even Deepak Chopra would make such a claim.
Two years ago, while going through a scary medical diagnosis, I became aware of this dark cloud hanging over me. When it would grow and become its darkest, I would lose myself, I would say all this horrible stuff in a strange auto-pilot mode where my true being, who i truly am behind my human form, kind of “checked out” and this hideous thing took me over (I have since discovered this is a learnt trauma response from childhood). Then i would forget everything I said. 100% I wouldn’t be able to recall even one word i had said. It was like being possessed.
Of course i was projecting all of my unhealed shit onto others. At this time, two years ago, it was projected onto a new boyfriend and naturally, he did not stand by for round two.
After discussing this dark cloud with a psychologist, she helped me realise this was anger.
Fucking hello anger.
I had never consciously felt anger before. I was 31 at this point.
31 years of repressing or bypassing anger.
I would feel the dark clouds at other times in my life and either emotionally bypass the clouds by switching to sadness instead, an easier emotion (for me). Or i would completely repress the shit out of that anger and push it down, then go spend money or eat bad food, whatever numbing habit, to stop feeling. And it kind of worked for most of my life.
Until rock bottom hit and there was no escaping emotions.
I then learnt not to be afraid.
Sometimes when i feel things, I feel as though i am on a war path and i will destroy anything or anyone who stands in my way. But that never happens.
I couldn’t hurt a fly if i tried anyway :-)
Really though.
Emotions are like waves.
Ride the big ones until they become small and you will always find your way to the shore.
Em.
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