Please help? in Realisation

Was actually a really good day. Went shopping for bbq stuff early on. Tried to light the bbq and couldn’t get it going, felt like a complete fucking failure of a man, gf and daughter laughing at me, sucks. Hung about in doors later on, daughter went to bed. Lay in bed with gf as she tore strips off me, “you hate your job, get another one!” As if that’s possible at this time of night but I’ll try. “You’re terrible in bed” we don’t have sex anymore anyway so why you moaning?. “You hate your family” that one really hurt coz I work like fuck for my family, my daughter and gf never want for anything, sorry if I’m tired when I get home and want to shower then go to sleep, I’ve only been awake for the last 14 hours while you lay about and do next to nothing. I’ve been depressed for years and years without knowing it, probably because I was also drunk for years on end, my mouth tasted like beer from the time I was 14 to, well now at 30. I’ve not quit drinking it’s just now I know I’m depressed and ALSO have a drinking problem. I wanna quit drinking so badly and I have literally a million reasons to do so, but I just can’t seem to. I’m not an alcoholic in the traditional sense I think. I don’t drink everyday, don’t need a quick can before work to kick start myself. I have set rules, I only drink when I’m not working the next day,l and I always have at least 24 hours booze free before going back to work ( I really need my job). Those rules are all well n good but as soon as I finish that last shift for the week I am actually dying for a drink!! Would sell my soul for one!! Not much of a pub drinker anymore, was at least £150 a night easy, hard to maintain that lifestyle. Also that’s without adding in the price of cigarettes, food at the end of the night and the extra booze and cocaine to go home with. When I start drinking I can’t stop till it’s all gone. I know I have a massive problem but I don’t know how to even begin dealing with it, I think mainly I’m scared of what I might be like without it, how will I fill the hours when I would usually be drunk? I don’t actually know anything else anymore other than work all week till your sore and exhausted then get drunk till it’s time to be sore and exhausted again. I don’t even know where I’m going with this, I just needed to get stuff off my chest it’s not like anyone will ever see it. I’ve spent so long thinking about killing myself I’m spoiled for choice of how to do it now, I’ve thought out every scenario, every possible way. Not like it’s a rehearsed event I suppose, it’s been in my head for so long I know it’s the only way for me to go. The only thing I would miss would be my gorgeous daughter but her step dad is a better dad than I’ll ever be even though I’ve always tried my best, he’ll always be better than me, I know she loves me but there’s no hiding that she loves him more and I don’t blame her. I almost wish he was her real dad coz then she wouldn’t have me in her life and to deal with. I don’t want to leave her behind but I’m in a place where I can’t see any future for me, I’m never gna quit drinking and get my life on track (from the outside my life is pretty sweet looking, beautiful gf, nice house, loving daughter, decent job), it means nothing though, when that feeling takes hold there’s not much else to do but strap in and see if I’m still gna be alive when the dust settles. The long and short of it is, I needed to vent, gf resents me, dunno what for tho tbh coz she’s always drunk n making up new shit, actually wish she would just fucking cheat on me at this point and go. Daughter is amazing but would have a better life without me. Massive drinking problem that I don’t think can ever be fixed. Can’t do it anymore. I’m sorry.