I am alone. I am utterly alone. By the time you read this, I will be gone...having jumped having plummeted off the Winter River bridge.
I'd be pretty sad if Open Diary disappeared. I haven't written in almost a year and I rarely even log in to read anymore. I started this new diary forever ago and I've written two entries. But Open Diary has seen some shtuff, yanno? I mean, I came to Open Diary in the early beginnings during my teenage angsty years and I have been back many times. I've never been Open Diary famous or anything, but I've gotten through some hard times on the OD. Most of the material is lost to me now--lost names, lost passwords--but I got through and Open Diary was there. And I need Open Diary now.
Things are hard right now.
I feel like I am going crazy. The things I believe do not match up with the things I feel.
I am a committed Christian. I know what I believe is true because I have felt the presence of God in my life and I have seen His work when nothing else was possible. I am not willing to debate the existence of God. I am well-read; I love science; and I am a logical human being--this is not something I believe blindly. I also do not claim to understand all of Him or His creation--if I, a small created human being, could understand God, how small would He be? Nor do I claim to understand or agree with all of the other people who say they are Christians--there is certainly a lack of compassion among the loudest of us.
But I believe that God created us. I believe that God created us to love Him. And I believe that God created us to love others. This is what I want my life to look like--that I love God and I love others. But, like I said, I'm not here to debate this. I am not here to make you believe; only God can do that. I am only here to live my life as evidence that I truly believe what I say I believe. And by "here" I mean on this earth, not on Open Diary. This is not an evangelistic effort on my part to reach the internet with my beliefs and cajole the Open Diary community to hear my religion. I am on Open Diary because life is tough and I need Open Diary right now. I need to get this shtuff out. I need a sounding board for my inner turmoil. But I'm laying this out there right now, up front, to advise any potential reader that this is the lens that my life is filtered through. My experiences, my thoughts, my feelings are all held up to and weighed against Biblical truth. This isn't to say that I am perfect. Oh, no. Jesus said, "Those who are healthy do not have need of a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance." That is me. I am not righteous. I am sick.
That is what I believe.
Life is not so easily accounted, however. I am in a difficult marriage. I do not have the deep, vulnerable, and safe relationships that my heart craves. I just want to run away sometimes.
That is what I feel.
This is, of course, what I want to explore deeper here in my diary. This is what I want to work out and have peace in my heart over. But this is big. This is bigger than me and bigger, much bigger, than one diary entry. And I have a shipload of work to do before I go to bed tonight. I just needed to leave some of this here for now.
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