I’m starting a journal now hoping it will help me bring some order and clarity to my life.
The corona virus is in full swing and everyone is self isolating. I’m learning that I’m incredibly lonely and I have been for a while. I believe that I’m learning this now because everyone is staying home like I always have, but they are making an effort to reach out to friends and family and stay close to those they care about. In the near months that self isolating has been in effect, my parents have reached out to me and made sure that I’m ok. The source of my loneliness comes from the fact that none of my friends have reached out to make sure I’m ok. I’ve learned that I’m mostly a friend of convenience, people will talk and spend time with me when it’s convenient for them then continue on after without a thought that I may need to have a friend myself. It’s hard to be and feel lonely.
I’m not sure why I’m just realizing this I’m getting the same amount of social interaction as before. I wish I knew how to tell people how I’m feeling. logically I believe that most of my friends would talk to me if I asked, but I also feel like I’ve reached out enough to my friends that I shouldn’t need to. Maybe it’s for the best if I stop holding these friendships up myself to see if they are strong enough to stand on their own.
I also acknowledge that I may be focusing on my feeling of loneliness to distract me from the depression that I’ve been feeling since October when I was fired from my job at (Company you’ve heard of). It feels like since I first accepted that job my life has been on a downward trend. I had a counselor tell me after six month of weekly sessions that she didn’t know how to help me. I was diagnosed with depression when I was in elementary school, I can’t remember the exact date but I was 6-8 years old when I was diagnosed. I’m tired of living just to feel sad, and lonely everyday. Maybe I was wiser in my teenage years when I wanted to kill myself, but I can’t take the easy way out. I have to many people that while not willing to check up on me would be sad if I were to died.
If death were to come for me now I would be worried about what came next, but be glad that this life would be over and I would stop suffering where no one can see and no one wants to look.
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