So I had a slip up. Not a big one, 3 small cuts but I needed it. I really, really, really want a drink as I just need to get out of my head. Just for a night. Just fed up of having no one to talk to about all this. Took 8 tabs of Codeine and gagged on all of them. I never had a problem with swallowing pills but now it is a struggle just getting them down. I suppose subconsciously I am fighting this.
I actually read Kevin Smiths - Me and My Shadow the other day, about his best friend (Jason Mewes) having a drug addiction. I always loved their films but it was the first time I read anything going into detail about his drug problems and part of it which really hit home to me was when a doctor said Jason was never going to get clean till he hit rock bottom. That is exactly how I feel these days. Like I am fighting gravity and I just need to go with it. I quit drinking and pills before they became too big a problem. I never drove drunk and with codeine I could take it or leave it if I couldn't get my hands on any. They don't have meetings for 'almost' addicts and it's considered ok so long as you are functional. Waiting till my partner goes to bed so I could drink, cut and overdose on painkillers, then go to bed, go to work in the morning and then doing it all over again in the evening.
Think I should just take a year out, get dirty with some junkies and be done with it.
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