I’ve been seeing the same guy for the past 10 months.... not in a relationship or anything, just seeing him. Some people would call it dating – we go out to eat and do shit together outside of banging, and take turns paying. I suppose it’s dating.
I’ve recently come to a final realization from past realizations, that ‘seeing’ this guy is all it’ll ever be. There is no progression of our relationship past what it is now. I brought up the “what are we” conversation to him a few months ago, but I didn’t ask what WE were to him. I wanted to know what I MEAN to him. Does he see this progressing into something more? Is this just a physical thing for him? I didn’t know for sure, so I figured I’d just ask him straight up. Well, guess what. He didn’t know either – “more than a friend…” is what he replied. Now, him and I don’t drink that often, but that night, we had a few shots because I had just been in Israel for 2 weeks and we were both pretty drunk. I literally just sat there looking at him, I wanted to be like “Duh more than a friend. You don’t fuck your friends”, but I held my tongue. He continued talking and said some really crazy nice things about me, to me, that I didn’t even know he thought. “You’re one of the strongest women I know”, “I like you, I care about you”. It seemed like he was struggling with his thoughts and he asked to continue this conversation when we’re not fucked up – which is very fair. Then we had crazy drunk passionate sex the rest of the night, all night. It’s crazy how you can be so attracted to someone and be addicted to that attraction. Doesn’t matter if it’s a person’s looks or mind (in this case it’s both), but sometimes you just can’t help but give in even though deep deep in the back of your mind, you already know this probably isn’t going to end well. A few days later, we continued this conversation, and I was struggling so hard. This conversation was much easier when I had alcohol in me…
I finally spit it out though – that if we’re going to keep at this and progress what we have going on then I need him to be more open with me and to show me more affection. I’m very affectionate and loving person. I love hugs, holding hands, tangling arms, and just touching in general. It’s the way I show my love and care for someone. He isn’t though and it’s been extremely tough for me to not take his lack of affection as rejection and it really hurts my feelings. Hurts my feelings so much that sometimes I have to get up and ‘go to the bathroom’ when really, I’m crying a little because I’m trying to show love and I keep getting shut out.
So fast forward 2 months and that brings us to today. Right now. I’ve been spending more time with him than usual since the world is on lockdown, and the more I hangout with him at his place or mine, the more I want to cuddles, hugs, and touch. But he isn’t that receptive to it nor does he understand how important it is for me. It’s not that he doesn’t EVER show me affection like hugging me or giving me a kiss on the cheek - he does sometimes. But it’s always on his own terms, whenever HE feels like it, and I’m not down with that. To me, that just means he doesn’t like me enough to WANT to show me love and affection, and it took me a really long time to accept that about him. But am I wrong for shitting on that? My thought process here is that when you meet someone you really like and care about, no matter how selfishly you were living before, you start taking that person into account with things in your life. When you’re super into someone, you want to hangout/talk all the time and hug/kiss the fuck out of that person, right? I guess that’s a whole different topic of love languages. I know mine and I know him, and they’re not compatible. If they were, I wouldn’t be venting about it right now.
A couple things happened in the last few days that really hurt my feelings – enough that it brought me to my final realization of accepting that our friendship/relationship/whatever we have right now is all him and I will ever be. First thing was that when I told him I was glad I met him, he just goes “that’s so random” and then changes the subject....and I started crying. I wasn’t expecting a “I’m glad I met you too”. Not even necessarily a thank you – just some sort of acknowledgement, but completely dodging the comment fucking hurt. A lot. The second thing that happened, was that when we were joking around, I went in to give him a hug and he (jokingly?) was like no and got out of bed. Call me sensitive, but that kind of shit doesn’t sit well with me.
This whole thing started off sexual, and when we were hooking up I was content with everything. I could focus on my work/career and still have someone consistent to bang – who wouldn’t love that set up? That slowly progressed into something more than sex … and to my surprise a fling turned into a friendship. But now my final realization helped me conclude that 1. his friendship isn’t enough for me and it won’t ever be as long as he keeps shutting me out and 2. I’m not content anymore with hooking up with him. I’ve tried to be patient (and I’m down to be patient for progression), but I’m not going to stick around for someone I won’t experience any growth with.
It’s been almost a year that this has been going on and it’s finally Game Over. I’m not kicking myself in the ass about it though. In hindsight, I realize that I could’ve come to this conclusion sooner, but the fact that I didn’t means this is all a part of a lesson I’m supposed to learn. Some people might think I wasted my time on him for 10 months. I don’t see it that way. I really enjoy his company and like hanging out with him – more than a majority of others. That’s not a waste of time in my eyes, but definitely a lesson learned that I’ll never forget.
xo, jo
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